Only a week has passed, but I somehow do not remember my life before. I don't remember anything important. The days have become a blur. The world seems too big for me. Life continues. I cannot face anyone I know. I cannot talk about it with anyone I know.... All my friends and family are hurting with me, but I cannot help them. They all wanted this baby as much as me. I feel their pain and their LOVE for me but...just seeing them reminds me of the last time I saw or spoke to them and I was still pregnant. So I am here...writing it all down on this blog in a diary form because I cannot even speak to my on-line friends. I am so sorry. I read their countless emails and their never ending comments or signs of support and I am sad for them and hope I am not upsetting them by not talking about it.
Each day is a little harder as it becomes reality. Each day more and more details become clear in my head..more images and more words I heard that day. In an instant...in one sentence everything was lost. The words NO parent should ever hear "I am so sorry I cannot find a heartbeat"...I am still SO so angry. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and pretend it never happened. There isn't much more I can say. I don't know what to say.
I have frantically cleaned the house this past week. This is because its the only thing I can control right now. I can't bring my baby back but at least the house is spotless from corner to corner. I cleaned my scrap area because scrapping isn't something that reminds me of all this. I stopped scrapping for the entire 4 and a half months and so ...I will start scrapping again. Just like before, something else has to occupy my mind in the still of the night. I will start again. I just want to be alone.
This is harsh, but I am almost angry at the kids too. I don't know why. There is NO one to blame. There are NO answers and we are in the dark. I had an ultrasound today to see if I was OK. Heartbreaking to see an empty womb. There was life in it just weeks ago. Life is NOT fair. But it could have been worse. I heard today at the ultrasound clinic that there was a lady that lost her baby at 38 weeks over the weekend. Maybe God was saving me from something worse like that? I want to believe that. I want to believe that He is still looking after me even if it doesn't seem so right now.
I have made some decisions. I am not going back to teaching this term. I cannot walk the grounds I walked when I was quite pregnant just weeks ago. I can't go back and pretend nothing happened. I can't deal with the questions. This child HAS to have a mark on my life. I have to change something about my life and not just dismiss its existence by going back to normal life straight away. My baby's life cannot be in vain. I am not going to work next year either, not until way past the due date anyway. I am focusing my energy on me and on healing and ...on the next baby. I am so scared at just the thought of that...but I cannot give up. I have to exhaust all possibilities or I risk getting to 60 years old and regretting NOT trying enough. Until the day someone says "you cannot have anymore children" I will keep on trying. There is just too much love inside me that I have to give still. I just want to hold one more baby. I am a good mum ...I know this. I somehow need to delete the image of the last birth I had to give and replace it with a labour where I get to hold my baby.
I am entirely withdrawn and cannot speak of this anymore. I will continue my thoughts in my personal diary and be back here with some creations. I just don't know what else to say. I just hope this passes...but I am overwhelmingly confident it won't. Thank you is no where near enough for how I feel about the support and LOVE. I feel everyone's love ...everyone's prayers. I just do not know what to say to everyone. I am so sorry.