it has been 3 days since I was told my baby had died. Its late at night. I cannot sleep. The same tape keeps on playing in my head. The same words. The same images. I cant get rid of them. The house is dead quiet. Everyone is asleep, expect me and my thoughts. The world around me is muted. I don't feel anything but pain. I went out today for the first time. Everyone said I have to move on. I bought jewellery. It didn't help. I got my hair done. It helped momentarily. I cooked up a storm. That only made me feel like this baby is already forgotten. Nothing helps. NOTHING! I just want my baby. I told some people what happened. I could hear my self saying that I gave birth to a child that I will not bring home, and it sounded as if I was telling someone else's story. I braved it. I did it. But now it all begins. I look at my TV's flashing light and my eyes are fixed on it. My mind wonders off. Where is my baby now? Where did they take its body? Its life started and ended inside me. I saw it just a couple of weeks ago and it was mine. ALL mine. And now? Nothing helps. NOTHING helps. I drink a glass of wine for the first time in my life because I heard that makes you relax. But all I think about are the days coming up. The appointments I had to cancel. The ultrasounds I wont have. The mum at Maria's pre school who is due with her "unplanned" and "accidental" fourth baby 2 weeks before I was due, who I will see for the next 8 or so years as our girls will go to the same school next year. I wanted this baby. I planned this baby. Life is not fair. I am SO angry. I am angry. It doesn't matter that I have 2 children. It doesn't take the pain away. I don't look at them and think "Oh its OK! I have these 2". Not yet. I don't feel love for anyone. All I feel is pain. An endless ache. A complete emptiness. I don't think my heart can take this. It feels as though God has forgotten me. WHY did this happen? I LOVED this baby. I tried SO hard to get this baby. I thought He was my Father. But what parent would want to hurt their child this way? I don't know what I am saying. I feel angry and so hurt. I touch my belly. There is nothing there. Everything changed in a matter of hours. NOTHING. What will I do? How will this go away? Who is to blame? Why? Why? Why so late? WHY did I fall pregnant in the first place? Everyone says "its for a good reason". WHAT GOOD REASON? What good can possibly come out of this? All the months, the days..the sickness, the stress. ALL for nothing. I knew. I knew all along. But still. Why? I erased all visual memories. The maternity clothes, rubbed out the weeks in my calendar. My life is now a before and after. Time stopped at 9:00 am on Monday morning. But all around me are memories of a life that will never be. A baby that will never arrive. People tell me they love me. I cant talk to them yet. I cant talk about this yet. I can only write it down. God give me strength. God give me strength.