Friday, February 1, 2013

Miracles do happen! Some BIG news to share!

Well hi everyone! Happy 1st of February. A new month is here and its always the start of something promising. 

Now, if you have followed me for a while on this blog, you will guess right away (if you dont know already) what my BIG news might be. Its no secret what I have desired most in my life the last 2-3 years. 

If you have followed me for a while, you will also know that I am an emotional scrapper. I pour my heart and  soul into my projects and always ALWAYS maintain that the reason I scrap is to express my love for my daughters. I just want them to know I love them...even on the bad days. So, this means when things are happening in my life, its very hard to scrap when I invest so much emotion in my projects. 

You would have realised things slowed down a lot here about October last year. What would make a passionate scrapper like me , leave my dream Design Team at Kaisercraft , Imaginarium Designs and other wonderful things I was doing mid term? What would make me knock back even BIGGER invitations from many places to Guest Design or join their team? 

Yes, I did tell you I was sick. That is 100% true. Yes my thyroid condition was and still is plaguing me. But there was indeed a bigger reason than that. I am nervous and my hands are shaking when I write this... I am not sure I can because too many old wounds are opening up again as I type this but the fact remains that ..

**I AM EXPECTING A BABY**

YAY I hear you say. Its what I have wanted. Yeah... YAY is what I would have been saying too if I didn't have a history. If you do not know what I am talking about you should see the sidebar of my blog, and go to archives and click back to October 2011. Its all there.. documented is a very raw way. 

Nothing has changed since that dreadful day , October 10th 2011. I can recite minute by minute how it all went down. How it was 9:00 am on a Monday morning, the first day back from our school break when I was 20 weeks pregnant and I was going to finish off that year and have my baby in February of 2012. Yeah all was perfect. But for me, as I look back at it all now 15 months later, I realise that something broke inside me that day. I can tell you I am not the person I was. I don't know how I have made it through the last 15 months. 

The thought of not trying for another baby NEVER crossed my mind, although so many people have now told me "you are so brave for trying again after what you went through". I would think "huh? what are you talking about?" . I NEVER thought I would stop trying. I vividly remember the following day , after we were told the baby had passed , we were in the hospital. My husband was devastated, but I was just robotic, unemotional, clinical and detached. I looked over at him and I said "Don't be upset. We WILL have another baby. I promise you I will NEVER give up". I thought of having another baby from the moment they told us our baby had died. I thought about having another baby from the moment I delivered my baby girl. I never stopped thinking of it. 

I have not stopped thinking of it for the past 3 years. It has changed me, it has detached me from everyone I know because NO ONE understands. There is no common ground when I can't get past what happened. I do not sit in a corner in my room crying. NO WAY! I am up and moving all the time because if i REALLY go there.. I am positively sure I would die. 

It has not been fair to my girls.. they have a part of their mother thats missing all these years as I have been so subconsciously preoccupied with the why's and the how's of the pregnancies I had or didn't have . They have a mum who can be emotionally unavailable at times for reasons I cannot explain. Its not fair to my husband. I tell him lately "I am NOT the same person you married 14 years ago. I a NOT the same, do not expect the same Nadia"  WHY would I feel like this when I have 2 healthy children, a loving husband, a wonderful network or friends and family? Why? 

Because the loss is HUGE. The emptiness too deep, the wound too painful when a baby that is supposed to be coming ...just doesn't! When a mother loses her baby like that.. Its total and pure mourning and grief for the baby, for what would have been. A mother never gets past that. It cant be fixed.  You can't take medication for it. There is NOTHING anyone can do or say that makes it go away. Its all about time and emotional healing that only YOU can do. But it helps to know people care and think of you. Like I said before, something broke in me that day when I had to deliver my baby and never get to bring it home. You can't just get over stuff like that. You just can't. The maternal instinct is at an all time high inside me and what happened to me was not normal. NOTHING or no one prepares you for that.  Normal is, you fall pregnant, everyone rejoices in that, your other children anticipate the arrival of a sibling, you go and have labor pains and once you see that baby you forget everything and life is perfect. Well.. we did all that minus the last bit.

I live with this every day. NOT in an obsessive way. Its just part of me now, and now that I am pregnant I am even more alert to all the feelings I had tucked away in order to protect myself. Everything is so REAL again. Everything is with me , every single day and because of this.. I have lost friends. I am just not who I used to be. This , I believe, is my coping mechanism until some time passes. I just need to be alone and hope that this baby makes it and maybe after some years I would have healed.  

So it took a while to fall pregnant again.

So I wondered... where was God all this time? I have been pretty angry at him. Even if you do not believe in God, surely you must believe there is a higher power somewhere out there. Things don't happen by chance. Where was all that during my struggle? Then, I fell pregnant in August and magically I turn to God again. Hypocritical huh? 

I won't be the poster girl for HOPE. Because you know what? I gave up in the end. After many months of heartache , i simply gave up. Just did not want to try anymore. If I could say any piece of advice is that miracles do happen because I am expecting again. So I guess, you should never give up in the end. What will be , will BE! 

And you know what? Yet ONE MORE TIME the powers that be , proved to me that I do not get to decide ANYTHING!! I fell pregnant just when I had given up. That same month I said to my self and to hubby "I just cant do this anymore". No counting dates, no checking when the right time was, NOTHING! 

And here we are now, I find my self 5 months later... me and my baby  trying to do this thing together with God's help. This baby is stronger than me right now. It kicks me so hard, it makes its presence felt and I am getting strength from that. I am trying to stay positive and tell myself "we made it one more day little one.. one more day"

Do you know the pain of waiting for something that never comes? Its unbearable. You can't look back and you cannot move forward and everything around you is frozen in time until you either decide you stop chasing it or it happens. For me, it hasnt happened yet because I just simply will wait until I have this baby in my hands before I let go of all my fears. 

Now that people know, its easier but like I said earlier old wounds are opening up again. 

I just pray with ALL my might that we get there this time. 

If not, I just do not know what will happen.... I dont think I will survive it. 

I have wanted to tell you all for SO long, but I was just so afraid. Now I am past the psychological milestone of last time I am a little more at ease but there are 13 and a bit weeks to go still so every single day is a battle. 

I am off work, have been since October and really trying to look after myself. I try not to think of the what ifs, but sometimes in the middle of the night it all comes back again and that is just too darn hard. 

But anyway, thank you all for all the love you have sent my way the last year and a bit. SOOOO many of you express their care in subtle messages through emails, comments on my blog, on Facebook.. just letting me know you were thinking of me and anticipating my news. I thank you wholeheartedly and I just hope these next few months pass quickly. 

There has been one  person who has listened to all the fears , all the doubts , in the middle of the night all these months. Someone that never made me feel I was over reacting or that she was sick of me and my worries.Someone who listened even though our conversations were one sided and selfish. My dear friend Georgia H. who I can honestly say I would not have made it through some very tough moments without her. There are so many people that would have helped me I know this! I just didnt want to worry so many. But thank you Georgia and sooo many of you who keep me in their prayers. 

Lastly, I didnt intend for this to be this long but I have known you all so long that I couldnt just NOT explain myself. Also, I wanted to tell you that I am feeling GREAT , my thyroid is under control with medication, and I am about to enter my third and last trimester.

I know you all wish me well, so please do not think you need to leave me any comments or feel obliged to write me long messages because I know this is my thing and people often find it difficult to explain what they really feel. I understand that so please don't worry about saying anything. Now that people know.. its like a huge weight off my shoulders. 

Let's hope for a home run this time :)

All my love, Nadia


56 comments:

  1. Congratulations Nadia, that is fantastic news! Tx

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  2. brings tears to my eyes! tears of joy! such fantastic news! i can understand your pain, trepidation and fear to a certain extent, but no one can understand what the last year or so has been like for you. I pray with all my might that the last 13 weeks go smoothly and you are holding your little one safely in your arms.
    I totally get how you said we will have another baby, i won't give up. I too said that. It's just impossible to imagine life without another one. You've battled through these long and painful months and you will enjoy your bubba in 3 months. I just know that this is the little one you are supposed to be the mother of.
    Love to you, at this wonderful, yet scary, time

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  3. Nadia, I am so very happy for you!! It made me cry and smile to read your heartfelt post. I cannot imagine your pain of these many long months. No mother should ever have to feel that way. I hope that all goes well with you and and your little miracle. I wish you and the baby the best of health and hope you know even friends you have never met but who have seen your wonderful work online are glad for you, pray for you and wish you the very best.

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  4. Oh Nadia, I can hardly tyupe as my eyes are FULL of tears.. I did not stop praying for you, I did not stop believing, because I do know what it is like to wait for some ONE for a long time... As you shared your news this week and my heart cried with joy, I also celebrated this week with the mile stone it is 10 years since we brought our little girl home, Nisha has been with us for 10 years now.. After waiting for 8 years I DO KNOW the ache in the heart, the empty space that is there.. and so please know how very very happy I am for you...and I will continue to hold your family in my prayers and one day you will be holding a new life, a wonderful gift, a cherished baby... another congrats and I do wish you all the best for your family... xxx

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  5. Congratulations. I wish you all the very best for these last weeks of your pregnancy. xx

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  6. Congrats!!!!! I'm so very happy for you!!!

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  7. congrats Nadia .. you will make it I am sure of that ... you know what we never know what we can cope and deal with until we are tested and you have been tested enough, this time you will be ok xoxoxo love and hugz x

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  8. Sooo, how can I NOT stop to say Congratulations! I know how this is your heart's desire and am praying diligently for you and that little one that you are carrying! Squealing with delight for you!

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  9. Nadia - took me a while to read all this.... ;p
    i love your honesty.
    enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and i am sure that when your baby is in your arms that completeness will fill your heart and another place will be opened.

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  10. Я вас ПОЗДРАВЛЯЮ! Бог вам в помощь! Когда закрывается дверь ,то открывается окно! Все у вас будет хорошо!

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  11. Thank you so much for sharing your profound journey....and expressing your hope and joy about the future. God bless :)

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  12. Thanks for sharing your story Nadia, I'm sure before you know it we will be reading a very happy story about a new birth and a brand new baby for you and your family. Though you will never forget I hope the happiness of a new family member will ease your pain just a little bit. xxx

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  13. I am in tears reading your beautiful words....it takes a strong person to have the courage to go through something so RAW and come out fighting on the other side. You have done that and your precious angel with not be forgotten. I am praying for you and your precious little one growing inside. All WILL be well. That I am sure. :)
    Congrats!!!!

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  14. Congrats Nadia...Such wonderful news..I pray it all goes well for you and your family...xxx

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  15. Sooooo beautifully written Nadia, lots of love to you and yours xoxoxox

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  16. <3 <3 <3 sending all good wishes to you and your family :-)
    xx

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  17. What wonderful WONDERFUL news..you are so brave to share soooo much of yourself with all of us and I commend you for that...PUT your feet up and take care...HOW EXCITING

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  18. Nadia, I think that last years were very-very hard for you and your family and no one can understand your feelings. BUT - it's a great time now and soon you can keep your baby in your hands! I'm REALLY SURE that everything will be super! All your readers wish you the best, it's really powerfull wish!
    And sorry for my bad English ))))

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  19. huge congrats sweetie :) hugggs

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  20. That's amazing news!! Sorry for all you have to survive... It made you stronger and everything happens for a reason... But I wish you the best and hope this time you'll made it!
    Kindest regards!

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  21. Auguri Nadia!! Congratulations to you and your family!!In 4 short months you will be holding a sweet little bundle....It is very hard to not to think the worst case senario but everything will work out fine.(must be something wrong with 10th october that is the day I miscarried too. in 2007 :( )

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  22. Such wonderful news Nadia!!! Congratulations to you and wish you the best next 13 weeks ♥

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  23. Congratulations Nadia ... day by day, one step at a time ... big hugs.

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  24. I am so, so thrilled in my heart for you Nadia! I know sometimes that we can have our heart broken.....and while it may never be the same & it may have changed, it still has an awesome capacity for love, and joy and happiness. I have been through things in my life where I feel like God has been working against me......but I've come to a point where deep down inside me I know he loves us and wants the best for us. Sometimes instead of sheltering us from the storm, he holds our hand and goes through it with us. Thankyou so much for all that you share on your blog, it is a shining light of "realness" in what can quite often be "faceless" world. I'm saying a tonne of prayers and doing a little happy dance for you!! LOTS of love and peace xoxoxoxo

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  25. Υπέροχα νέα!!!
    Καλή δύναμη σου εύχομαι
    και με τη βοήθεια του Θεού, όλα να πάνε κατ΄ ευχήν!!!
    Μαρία Μελιτινή

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  26. xairomai polu pou eisai kala!k nomizo pos to agxos einai panta logiko stin egkumosuni... Einai toso megali i xara mou pou den nomizo oti kanena sxolio den einai arketo na tin ekfrasei!!!!!!!!!
    polla filia 8a perimeno na diavaso ta xaroumena nea sas suntoma!!!!!!!!!

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  27. So beautifully written from your heart...Thank you for sharing and we will all be caring you and your precious little cargo in our hearts and prayers! Love and hugs from me....

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  28. What fantastic news, so pleased for you and your family. When is baby due?

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  29. Everything 'crossed' for you...hope it continues to go well...take care:):):)

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  30. Ваша история такая трогательная.. Читаешь и прям за душу берет. Я желаю вам удачи, пусть все будет хорошо, и пусть этот ребенок принесет вам много радостных дней!!

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  31. All is well Nadia, of that I am certain. You know the rest my love, now rejoice and enjoy the days until the little one comes into this world. Infinitely loved and cherished, and so are you. Hugs and kisses,

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  32. Wishing you all the best Nadia. Looking forward to your scrapping your new arrival. :)

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  33. Hi Nadia, I have been following you for a while, but at the same time not so long that I would know what happened in 2011. So I checked. And when I read your posts I could "feel" your pain. So now I understand a little bit better why you were so scared and why it took you so long to get pregnant again. I'm not going to say that I understand the pain you had to go through back then and the fear you are facing right now, because I don't. I don't think anyone who's never been in a situation like this can understand. But I wanted to tell you that I wish you all the best. Sending big hugs your way! Hugs! xx

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  34. Oh Nadia, I just couldn't stop smiling when I read your post on Facebook. This is just the best news I could have wished for for you and your family. Congratulations! I hope you can enjoy a calm pregnancy - please don't worry too much, enjoy :) Sending you some big, big hugs!

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  35. Congratulations Nadia! This is such fantastic news. Even though I don't know you I have been a long time follower of your blog and you express yourself so passionatly that I feel like I know how much have been wanting this baby. I hope everything goes well with this pregnancy and you have a wonderful baby to celebrate and love.

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  36. Congrats Nadia...I am so very happy for you!

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  37. Congratulations to you and your family, Nadia - what lovely news!

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  38. Глядя на ваши работы я всегда представляла вас абсолютно счастливым человеком !!!
    Желаю вам , чтобы у вас все было хорошо ,счастья и удачи вам и вашей большой семье ! Пусть все хорошее сбудется !!!

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  39. So beautifully written with love and heart! I fell in tears. I wish you all the best and shall be thinking of you! <3

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  40. Congratulations Nadia, my family will be praying for you anad your new little in the coming weeks. I understand some of your anxiety from my first pregancy. You stay strong and try to enjoy the wonderful pregnancy.

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  41. Congratulations, Nadia, and wishing you all the best!

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  42. All I can say is XOXOXO - soooo happy for you!!!

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  43. so happy for you and your family- my heart is smiling with your news!

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  44. Congratulations, Nadia, and wishing you all the best!

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  45. My thoughts are with you at this time.x

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  46. I'm so happy for you and your family Nadia :) Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs, Mona

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  47. Dear Nadia! The news are perfect! I wish all your family good mood and big love this time. I know you;ll be the best mother! God bless you!

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  48. As I said on FB, I am so, so very happy for you and your family ... over-the-moon thrilled, and I cannot wait to hear the wonderful news of your baby's arrival.
    Sending many blessings your way Nadia.... our conversation the other day, inspired me to finally 'scrap' of my daughter... xxx

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  49. Conratulations Nadia. All my thoughts fly to you! xoxo

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  50. Nadia my thoughts & prayers are with you & yours.. God bless you .. xx

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  51. Wow Nadia congratulations! I pray your pregnancy be blissful and uneventful. I was once in your position but time does help heal. I wish you so much joy!!! Congrats Again!!
    Sherry

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  52. SO SO HAPPY for YOU & your Family Nadia.... Wish you all the HAPPINESS & JOY that life has to offer!

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  53. Congratulations Nadia! So happy to read your news. Best wishes for you and your beautiful family. :)

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Thank you so very much for taking the time to drop by and leave me a comment. I appreciate it so much!