Hi everyone..
I was reading an article in a magazine just a few days ago that said that a few years back, a young , beautiful, popular and wealthy British woman was found dead in her apartment after 3 years. I was horrified. I wondered..would anyone miss me if I disappeared tomorrow? These thoughts were playing heavily on my mind the last week or so. Sometimes I wonder who I am..What am I doing here? What purpose do I serve? If I am a good mum, wife, daughter, teacher etc. If I am making a difference. For me, its a constant battle. A daily struggle because I do not let my self become complacent. A few days absent from blog land leads to many emails and questions from you . I guess..maybe some of you would notice if I was gone tomorrow. That is a selfishly wonderful feeling and it makes me feel better. THANK YOU !
My first born started school 2 weeks ago as you all know. But did I tell you that for the last 4 or so years her starting school was the last thing on my mind every night and the first thing every morning? Yeah..it was. That's what i am like. I think about everything years in advance. Its the only way I can cope. And I don't know if I have coped with her starting school. I know ..I KNOW just how good it is for her. I KNOW everything you will all say. I know it! But against ALL that I know and have studied and learnt throughout my years as a teacher my heart is aching so badly right now. I know this is also connected with the loss of the baby last year and year before and the fact that in 2 weeks time I should have been having my 3rd girl. It is all gelled together and I can't let go. I know she will thrive at school. I know ..I know...I know.. But, she is gone and our days here at home will never be the same again and as I have said before I just do not deal well with finality and I guess you could say this past week I have been on a ...
Journey To The Past..
Have you seen the kids movie Anastasia? ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVOURITES!! I fell in love with it when Maria was watching it when she was a toddler and we had not seen it on DVD for a year or so now. So the other day they decided to play it in their car DVD players and while I was driving it bought everything back and thoughts and feeling started flooding in my head and my eyes filled with uncontrollable tears. I haven't been the same since the day everything happened last year. I am not who I was. A part of me died along with that baby and it will never be resurrected. Its so painful. Its so so so so so so horrible too go through the whole process of labour and not have a baby to hold at the end. You are all women . You understand that feeling I am sure. I can't get out of my head the moment the baby came out..I just remember that feeling so clearly because the previous 2 times that feeling meant relief that my baby was out and OK. Not this time.
I will let you all know openly that we have started the too often heartbreaking path of conceiving again. Something that happened SO SO miraculously easy with my first 2 children has become the biggest fight of my life right now. I am not giving up but I am so lost. There are simply no guarantees..no real answers. You tell me..where will this road lead? What will happen? You can't tell me can you? And as much as I say "Que Sera , Sera" (Whatever Will Be, Will Be) it just aches to know what I almost had and what I lost.
I wish this pain on no one. And I know this will sound SOOOOOOOOOOOO cliche' but please just hold your children really tight today and tell them how much you love them. Take a really good look at them. I mean...REALLY look at them. Look at their arms, and hands and think what an absolute miracle they are. I know I will do that with mine.
I hope you have a chance to see the movie and if you have a few minutes maybe you can hear the song I like from the movie called "A Journey To The Past" and you will understand where I have been these last couple of weeks.
Just wanted to share a piece of my mind with you..Thank you for letting me share.
I hope you are doing better than me wherever you are.
Until next time, its goodbye for now .
We thank you for sharing this with us!
ReplyDeleteΤιποτα δεν είναι δεδομενο,αλλά εχοντας πίστη σε αυτό που κάνεις(οτι και αν ειναι αυτο) τότε όλα μπορούν να συμβουν.
Σε φιλω!:)
I am like you in that sense. I have been thinking about my son starting school for years. I too don't really want him to go. He is my last one, my last baby. You are right. Things are never the same once they start school. I know my time with him will be so much more limited and weeknights spent doing homework, dinner, bath and bed and not much time for anything else. I am not ready to give up my time with him for 9 mo. out of the year. He is such a fun, sweet, very imaginative boy. I also know my time with my middle is very short. She will be graduating from high school in 4 short years. I am dreading that as well. It is just plain hard to let go, especially in today's society. We are in the tough teen age mode over here with her. I hate these years. I have been there once before, as I have a daughter almost 24 as well.
ReplyDeleteHi Nadia. Do you know that I was just about to push the 'send' button for an email I wrote to you to find out if everything was okay? I somehow knew it had something to do with your little one starting school. I still remember when my eldest started school 14 years ago and how lost I felt without him at home... My youngest is now in Year 12 and what a journey! Most of the time it isn't easy and you doubt yourself and wonder if you are making the right decisions, but as long as your kids know that you will always love them and that you are doing what you think is best for them. It is such a priveledge to see them growing into beautiful and (hopefully) sensible young adults. The reward in the end is bigger than the pain. I hope that your pain will fade with time too and that you will realise that you are making a huge difference, especially in the lives of your gorgeous family! Hugs and much love to you. M xx
ReplyDeleteMy sweet Nadia... You're an amazing human being. So generous...so kind...so...so...so... You remind me of a very good friend of mine. Την έχω παντρέψει και έχω βαφτίσει το αγοράκι της (το οποίο αποκαλώ μούσμουλο-λατρεία μεγάλη). Υπεραναλύει τα πάντα... Σκέφτεται το κάθε τι όσο μηδαμινό και αν είναι αυτό. Δεν αφήνει τον εαυτό της να χαλαρώσει καθόλου. Το ίδιο ακριβώς νομίζω ότι κάνεις και εσύ... Κάνε αυτό που πραγματικά ικανοποιεί εσένα για να είσαι πρώτα εσύ καλά και μετά όλοι όσοι είναι γύρω σου. Είναι πολύ λογικό να έχεις επηρεαστεί από ό,τι συνέβη αλλά όπως λέω και στον εαυτό μου... you should never stop hoping,believing and trying...!!! Δώσε χρόνο στον εαυτό σου... είναι το καλύτερο φάρμακο. Σου στέλνω πολλές σφιχτές αγκαλιές και φιλιά!!! Take care...
ReplyDeleteSuch a touching and beautiful post Nadia. You mean so much to so many people. Thank you for always being open and honest with us and thank you for BEING YOU!!
ReplyDeleteOh Nadia... thanks for putting out your heart out there. It is not an easy emotion, fear & worry to swallow. I have all those fears & worry right now, asking myself if I should be hopeful or realistic. Because you have the strength & courage to start again, I'm confident that you will eventually find your path.
ReplyDeleteNadia, you would be SOOOO missed, never doubt that! I'm sorry you have had to deal with so much pain. I am one that understands the finality thing, I HATE change. I have days where I sit and think that I am useless now, I was a Mom for so long, now my kids are grown, and I seem so not needed. I was with my kids all the time, I even homeschooled them for 10 years! I miss the days of them needing me, being dependent on me. I know they have to grow up, but it's so hard. I was Mom for so long that I don't know who "Patti" is!!! I'm happy that my children are happy, healthy and productive adults now, but I so miss them being little. I agree with what you said about look and savor everything about them, time goes way too fast. HUGS to you my sweet friend, you still have lots of time with yours being at home, and even looking forward to another one, it will happen for you. You are a truly amazing person, and lots of people, including me love you dearly!!!!!
ReplyDeleteNadia, I saw a shirt on the internet, on the front it said..."I will not let Fear Rule"! My biggest fear is change. I have for years given fear a front and center seat..to the point ...it was paralyzing. Divorce...not once but twice, 3 miscarriages, job changes, moving to another city..I can go on and on. After my 3 sons moved forward with their lives...here I was...just an old ass who feared change. It has taken 2 years of soul searching to see the paths of the changes lead me to where I am today...happy, healthy, and thriving on pure joy of seeing my boys take on the troubles of the world. How we both would not give to turn back time...but I want you to just try not to let Fear and Change Rule....it is such a sweeter ride to EMBRACE! Embrace your journey sweet friend. Love you!
ReplyDeleteAs a child and teenager, life wasn't so great for me. As an adult, my life has been blessed. You do make a difference in the lives that you touch. Whilst I may not know you personally, you bring a perspective to my life that I don't always have the ability to see. I love my children, but sometimes forget just how precious they are. Emotions are not something that I easily show, your honesty touches my heart. You can and do change the world, just by being exactly who you are. I envy the size of heart, the love and genuine care that you show your family and blogging world friends. You make a difference in my life.
ReplyDeleteWhen Jamie started school I remember it was also bittersweet. He is my first and last, and I remember selfishly feeling like I never wanted him to leave me and go off to school. But, at the same time I was so proud of him, and so happy that he was thrilled with his new achievement.
ReplyDeleteAs for what will happen? Well what can I tell you. I had two miscarriages after Jamie. Both of them caused me much grief. I have never gone on to have that other baby that everyone told me would salve that grief. At times I wondered if anything ever would salve it. But time did. Not totally. Some days I still tip over into depression. But by and large I have come to terms with it. And I have learnt to be grateful for the blessings that I do have. And you know? Somedays I find myself even appreciating the benefits.
xx
Nadia, I admire your honesty and openness...I just want to let you know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope time helps to heal you as much as is possible..and that you remember there are people who would definitely notice if you were gone!! Take care, best of luck to you with everything you are going through..
ReplyDelete-Kelly
I dont know you.
ReplyDeleteBut I love you.
You are so honest that I feel that if we bumped into eachother a coffee would be so easily shared.
I have one DD - last night she woke up with a simple sore throat and she called out "Mummy, I have sore throat when i swallow. What can you do about it?"
I love her for having that belief that mummy can fix everything.
One day Nadia, your whole being will be fixed too.
Blessings to you and your family and your journey to the past and the present
My heart just breaks for you! Not only do I admire your honesty and vulnerability (and ability to share that with us all), but that you are so obviously an amazing mother. There is no doubt in my mind how much you absolutely LOVE your children, and it's posts like these that truly make me look at my children and remember how much they really mean to me. Of course I love them and they mean the world...but it helps to be reminded just how STRONG that love is.
ReplyDeleteYou truly would be missed- I'm sure you know that by now. You are beautiful and strong (even though you might feel very weak just now) and undoubtedly an inspiration to us all.
Thank-you for bearing your heart. I pray for God to give you strength to make it through this incredibly horrible time, and that he blesses you quickly with another pregnancy.
You are loved!
i TOO sent my baby to school 2weeks ago Nadia so i know where you are coming from!!! the past 3 days at school last week there were no TEARS from ME!!!!! i hate him going i dont want him to go !!! but i had to let go oh how so hard that was!!!!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain each time you post lil letters like this!!!
The only advise i can give you and gee i hope it helps, is that you need to keep talking about you lost lil girl!!! when my husband and i lost our best friend last NOV and my pop just 2 weeks before that!!! we both were so quiet no talking no communication!! but now its not any easier, but we do talk about the both of them and remember the good times we had and we even laugh about those funny times!!! i know that you cant laugh bout good times with your lil girl but just try and remember that you have two beautiful girls still in your life each and every day!!!
Take Care
TONI
XOXOXOXO
What to say? You know how you think you should be - but aren't & of course you are what you are, not what you think you should be:):) Please try & stay close to your God, there's comfort in knowing the purpose you have in life is beyond our knowing, but there regardless, because God says so. That may sound corny, but there y'go:):) I hope you have named your baby that died, that you had some form of little service, of blessing for her life [no matter how very brief]. My Mum miscarried 9 times, 3 babies were over 6 months. This was not acknowledged in her day & many, many years later a very wise Nun helped her name & remember each unborn child & have a little memorial service for every single one. It helped her enormously. I feel for you deeply - wish I could help, but it seems to be something that somehow you need to, have to & WILL work through...please know that your soul is precious & one which many people respond to... as you can see from these responses:):):) Take care....blessings.......
ReplyDeleteHi Nadia, of course you are missed in blog land when it has been some time since your last post, but the extent of your value in your family is beyond measure, and i do appreciate what you have shared in this post.. i can not know your heart and i do try and understand the huge loss of not having that most precious gift of a child after going through a labour... if we all could relieve your pain somehow we would try, but we all have to live our own lives.. you are such a beautiful and precious person, and i truly pray God will give you the answers you need at this time, sometimes He keeps the answers from us, and only gives us the reasons later when we look back, hindsight is a marvellous thing... we don't live in a perfect world, times are hard, seasons come and go, things change, there is loss and there are blessings, and only with maturity are we able to process what comes our way... Having personally been touched by cancer i have wondered what would happen if i were to die and not be here, but i have learnt that the answer to that is not mine to know.. and i have learnt to take one day at a time and thank God as i ly down to sleep for the day that has just been.. i think some things are just too big for our human minds... and that is when faith leads us onwards... please take care of yourself, you are loved so very much....
ReplyDeleteNadia I am so happy for you that you are so strong in your beliefs and that you are trying again, I hope with all my heart that you have a smooth journey this time, keep busy and take a look at your blog followers and know that you are admired by so many :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts, Nadia!
ReplyDeleteYour feelings about both loosing a child during pregnancy and then one to school, will probably be recognized by lots of women out there!
Beeing you for who you are to family is the best gift you can ever give them, so hang in!
And of course you would be missed if you were gone - probably by more people than you ever can imagine.
I'm sorry you are struggling so hard - you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!
nadia I sat in the car park and cried the day my third child started school....
ReplyDeleteI know you are still hurting,but I also think that you always want to be in total control. My husband does the same and worries about everything...imagining the worst scenarios for every event! Life is not like that, we need to get up and live life as God deals out each minute,each hour ,each day...as you said what will be will be...so be happy for all the wonderful blessings you have and as lizzy said one day you will understand why you life panned out the way it did....Nadia you are special and very dear to me...xx
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ReplyDeleteMy sweet Nadia,hi.I am Giota,I read your journey to past.......I heard the song......and I start to crying.......that is life...some times very good and some times very bad ...what to do.....must be very strong...you must stop worry,and to go on... kisses
ReplyDeleteStay strong, keep busy and keep giving your gorgeous girls all the cuddles in the world.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember, this is Maria's time to shine which she will and you will have her home on the weekends and holidays. I'm sure she knows you are there for her even if she is away from you.
(remind me of these words when I send my last baby off next year to school...lol)
Nadia, you are so brave to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. That's one of the things that make you such a beautiful soul. It's so hard to let your babies grow up. I have my Brittany who I still think of as my baby girl, talking about leaving home to study next year and I am feeling so crushed at the thought of her not being here every day with her mumma, but she is so happy and full of plans for her future, that I just have to be happy for her. I have decided to make every minute this year with her count and like you have said in your message just hold on tight. Take care.. I am sending you a big squeezy hug :))
ReplyDeleteΔιαβαζω τις δημοσιεύσεις σου για την κορούλα σου που πήγε σχολείο και σκέφτομαι την δική μου σπίτι που την άφησα από χτες σε μια κυρία που πλέον δεν την εμπιστεύομαι και σκέφτομαι μήπως ο βρεφονηπιακός στην ηλικία των 17 μηνων είναι καλύτερος ...Αγωνιζόμαστε για τα παιδιά μας και θέλουμε το καλύτερο και αυτό ισχυρίζονται και οι άλλοι για τα παιδιά μας ..το εννοούν όμως ??
ReplyDelete