I was reading an article in a magazine just a few days ago that said that a few years back, a young , beautiful, popular and wealthy British woman was found dead in her apartment after 3 years. I was horrified. I wondered..would anyone miss me if I disappeared tomorrow? These thoughts were playing heavily on my mind the last week or so. Sometimes I wonder who I am..What am I doing here? What purpose do I serve? If I am a good mum, wife, daughter, teacher etc. If I am making a difference. For me, its a constant battle. A daily struggle because I do not let my self become complacent. A few days absent from blog land leads to many emails and questions from you . I guess..maybe some of you would notice if I was gone tomorrow. That is a selfishly wonderful feeling and it makes me feel better. THANK YOU !
My first born started school 2 weeks ago as you all know. But did I tell you that for the last 4 or so years her starting school was the last thing on my mind every night and the first thing every morning? Yeah..it was. That's what i am like. I think about everything years in advance. Its the only way I can cope. And I don't know if I have coped with her starting school. I know ..I KNOW just how good it is for her. I KNOW everything you will all say. I know it! But against ALL that I know and have studied and learnt throughout my years as a teacher my heart is aching so badly right now. I know this is also connected with the loss of the baby last year and year before and the fact that in 2 weeks time I should have been having my 3rd girl. It is all gelled together and I can't let go. I know she will thrive at school. I know ..I know...I know.. But, she is gone and our days here at home will never be the same again and as I have said before I just do not deal well with finality and I guess you could say this past week I have been on a ...
Journey To The Past..
Have you seen the kids movie Anastasia? ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVOURITES!! I fell in love with it when Maria was watching it when she was a toddler and we had not seen it on DVD for a year or so now. So the other day they decided to play it in their car DVD players and while I was driving it bought everything back and thoughts and feeling started flooding in my head and my eyes filled with uncontrollable tears. I haven't been the same since the day everything happened last year. I am not who I was. A part of me died along with that baby and it will never be resurrected. Its so painful. Its so so so so so so horrible too go through the whole process of labour and not have a baby to hold at the end. You are all women . You understand that feeling I am sure. I can't get out of my head the moment the baby came out..I just remember that feeling so clearly because the previous 2 times that feeling meant relief that my baby was out and OK. Not this time.
I will let you all know openly that we have started the too often heartbreaking path of conceiving again. Something that happened SO SO miraculously easy with my first 2 children has become the biggest fight of my life right now. I am not giving up but I am so lost. There are simply no guarantees..no real answers. You tell me..where will this road lead? What will happen? You can't tell me can you? And as much as I say "Que Sera , Sera" (Whatever Will Be, Will Be) it just aches to know what I almost had and what I lost.
I wish this pain on no one. And I know this will sound SOOOOOOOOOOOO cliche' but please just hold your children really tight today and tell them how much you love them. Take a really good look at them. I mean...REALLY look at them. Look at their arms, and hands and think what an absolute miracle they are. I know I will do that with mine.
I hope you have a chance to see the movie and if you have a few minutes maybe you can hear the song I like from the movie called "A Journey To The Past" and you will understand where I have been these last couple of weeks.
Just wanted to share a piece of my mind with you..Thank you for letting me share.
I hope you are doing better than me wherever you are.
Until next time, its goodbye for now .