The Color Room #82

OK are you sick of seeing my creations yet? Seriously...I am such a contradiction. I go for MONTHS without any creations and now they are flooding in. But...things have changed so here I am again scrapping in full force.

Have you seen the palette over at The Color Room this week? WOW! If you have girls you NEED to scrap these colours. Check them out. 

So here is my take on it. This is a photo I took of my girls last Sunday. We went by train to the Circular Quay (in Sydney city) and then walked ALL around The Opera House and ended up at the Botanical Gardens. Heaven on earth! 

Lots of Webster's Pages again (Sweet Season) and all the flowers are Prima. 

I was wondering. Is anyone going to see the Prima Workshop with Ingvild Bolme next Sunday at Fantasia Scrapbooking store in Taren Point? Well..I am! I have decided to attend my very first workshop or anything as such and if you happen to be there I hope you say hi!

Lastly...for my Greek friends in Greece and worldwide " Ζητω το Οχι..Ζητω Η Ελλας" Just like me I hope you all felt very patriotic yesterday no matter what is going on in the country. 

Scrap The Girls + Kraft It Up

Hey there everyone. 

I just wanted to let you all know that I am feeling a little better. I am having slightly better days and I am REALLY trying not to pre occupy my self with the same thoughts. I received a beautiful card from my friend Rachael and the front of it said..

Thinking Of You

Sometimes it helps to know

that you are not alone, 

that others are thinking about you

and wishing you well. 

Sometimes when you are in a dark place, 

friends hope that you will reach for the lamp

that will lead you into the light.

Sometimes we have to stand helplessly by

while you place that first foot on the path

that will take you from a sad place

to a happier place. 

I think that is the most perfect way to describe how I have been feeling about all you girls out there. All long, I felt so good knowing that you were thinking of me ..that you are STILL thinking of me and even though you all said "I don't know what to do to help you" you all helped me more than I can ever express in words. The countless emails, messages, flowers, comments and LOVE from you all expressed SUCH positive energy that I took such strength from it. I am still in a dark place, and I am still trying to place down my first foot ..but I THANK YOU all from the very bottom of my my heart for standing by me while I do that. 

THANK YOU! I do not know how many more times I will say THANK YOU , but it will never be enough. 

OK...let's more on to better and brighter things. 

I played along at 2 challenges!

The first one is for Kraft It Up

THIS MONTHS KRAFT IT UP CHALLENGE...

This month you need to create a layout using one of the following styles...
* Monochromatic
* Minimalist
* Vintage/Romantic/Shabby Chic

So I went for monochromatic...

Not too sure how I feel about it. I felt rather restricted and should have gone for the shabby chic style, but what fun would that be? 

The next layout is for the Scrap The Girls challenge which was set by my beautiful friend Marelize..

Criteria: Create a layout with the word ‘love’ in the title and to use ‘distressing’ on your layout.

Ahhh my gorgeous girl Maria Elena. When she was born I thought I could not possibly ever LOVE her more. I looked at her, and felt a rush of love come over my body! Yet..5 years on I love her (and her sister of course!)  more than anything in this world. I don't know if it is possible, but it feels like my love for her multiplies by the day or by each new experience I have with her. 

I made both of these layouts with my June (!) kit from Swirlydoo's . 

I hope you have a great weekend everyone. 

Take good care of you and yours...because life changes in the blink of an eye! 

Bye for now!

Impulsive..

Hi there everyone. I hope you are all well always. 

I decided to really get back into scrapping and have been up until 1:30 am the last few nights scrapping away and creating for some challenge sites. Well...most of you know why. I don't think I need to explain why scrapping will kind of take over my life again. Something has to fill the void. You must be wondering how can I just pretend like nothing ever happened and just go full swing into scrapping and blogging etc.. Well...I am not. Only I know what is going on inside me and this is the only thing that is getting me through my days and nights. But you know..I am usually a very happy person! I am not just brushing over what happened...but it is NOT what I want to talk about all the time. I kind of am anxious for the future..for Christmas time, for Maria starting school in January. I have MANY bad days ahead of me but I do not want to come here and talk about just one thing. I want to come here and feel ...normal. 

Anyway..here is a fact you don't know about me. I am IMPULSIVE. Yep! I have stuffed up many appliances because I do not read the instructions. I have regretted MANY times throwing out good clothes just because I wanted a spring clean. I have ruined many scrapbook pages because I just stick things down and go for it. 

Did I tell you about the first time I went to use embossing powder on chipboard? Well..I put the ink on the chipboard sprinkled embossing powder over it and without dusting the excess off I went straight for the heating gun and turned it on. Needless to say the powder went EVERYWHERE. I was covered in it and I am still, to this day,  finding pink embossing powder in forgotten parts on my desk. LOL! I have REALLY had to train my self to stop and think. I am getting better..but I tell you when I get an urge I just DO IT! 

Which on the other hand isn't too bad because like I say in my layout because I do not procrastinate and just act on things I have taken advantage of many opportunities. Which is a good thing. 

Here is my layout that I created for the October Webster's Pages traditional challenge where we had to use their All About Me collection and explain a little bit about the person in the photo. 

I did not have anything from this collection as it came out when I stopped scrapping. But as you know I LOVE Webster's Pages and so off I went to my favourite store Handmade By Suzanne (Hi Suzanne!) and got my little parcel in no time. 

SO that's all from me for today. Will be back soon with a couple of other layouts I have to share. 

Take care everyone!

Once Upon A...Sketch October 1st Challenge

Hi everyone...how are you all going? I am OK. Just scrapping a little..and I decided to play along with the challenge I set for the October 1st Challenge over at Once Upon A...Sketch. 

The journalling criteria is: A most embarrassing/awkward/uncomfortable moment or characteristic/feature/habit/mannerism/quality or quirk you or someone around you possesses. Journal at least 2 SENTENCES on a moment that you will remember for all the wrong reasons.

This must also go together with this sketch that I created..

It has come to our attention that people could be possibly finding this one a little TOO challenge this time and I must admit that when I set this challenge I was not scrapping and maybe did not realise that it could be a difficult topic. Also, maybe I should have also stressed that you are able to scrap about an embarrassing or awkward trait you/your child might have, as I have done in my layout...

Well, my journalling is pretty obvious and if you are thinking of giving this challenge a go remember that you can create a layout about something similar..i.e. not exactly an awkward moment but rather an awkward trait...Just like my daughter Maria Elena who is a little shy and hides behind me when we walk into a room. 

So anyway...I hope you all have a great week. Take care, Nadia. 

Hi everyone. 

It feels so strange to blog about a layout. Or to blog at all. It feels too soon after what happened. Maybe it is? I don't know. I read somewhere that there is no time limit for healing or grieving. I feel too normal to be OK. I know I am not. I am trying to really push forward with life..I joined the gym yesterday and started a diet. I was the 10,000 member. It was my lucky day, they said, and I got a nice gift. My lucky day...! It angers me. It just angers me. The strongest emotion I feel at the moment is anger. I am so angry at everything and everyone. I don't know where it is coming from. I  feel so angry about the smallest things that it actually makes me cry. At this point I still have not seen any family members or friends. Yes..in the words of a friend that just emailed me, I do just want to disappear.  I don't want to deal with it.. I just want to be completely alone. I do not want to say the words that are not there, or have to explain the pain. I don't want this to be what defines me. This is what happened to me..its NOT who I am. I have a million people around me, wanting to help. But I just want to be alone..and its so weird because I should want to be with people. But I DON'T want to talk about it.  I am seeing a specialist every week from tomorrow that deals with these things. So I will talk about it. I have heard so many terrible stories like mine since this happened. Everyone has a story it seems. That is unreal. Why did I not know this about people before? Why don't women talk about it? I have heard so many heartbreaking stories..like my friend (our friend!) Cynthia Llorens who left me a comment yesterday in my last post. People do survive. Although this is the worst thing imaginable that could happen to me, it is NOT the worst thing that could have happened. It could have been much worse. 

Anyway, let's move on. Life continues..right? Let's talk about something else. 

I moved my scrap area back downstairs..in our formal lounge just metres from our bedroom. I like it there. I have much less stuff than before due to my recent giveaways to special people. I scrapped last night. It felt foreign. Like I had never done it before. Back in June I won a challenge at The Scrapcake blog. I won 2 of their latest collection (In June!) but as you might recall I stopped scrapping soon after. Well the prize never arrived and because I wasn't scrapping I didn't bother chasing it up. Well...in mid September I finally received my prize. I thought that was an omen to start scrapping again and just when I pulled everything out and got ready all that happened. But the photos and everything were spread all over my desk so last night I scrapped. I like the solitude, disconnect and isolation from the world I feel when i scrap. I can't say it made me feel better..but it took my mind off things for a while. 

I was over at lovely Colleen's blog yesterday and she entered a challenge at Let's Get Shabby and it just gave me all the inspiration I needed to get started. 

So I drew inspiration from the colours in this picture which was part of Challenge #28 at Let's get Shabby

We also were asked to use paints and flowers as part of the challenge. 

Here is my use of paint. I splattered white paint over the paper. 

I also painted white some die cut papers. 

This is my little one, Ioanna. Do you understand the meaning of "making my heart smile" ? This child has done this for me since the very first moment I held her. There is something insanely sweet about her. Something that takes all my worries away. She makes my heart feel light..does that make sense? 

So anyway. That's all from me. Let's just carry on as normal hey? Maybe that will help. I just dont want to write about the same thing over and over, even though that is what I am always thinking about. Again, I just thank you all for everything. Thank you is just not enough. But its all I know how to say right now. Again, I am not ignorant to all your support. I have read each comment, email or sms. I have taken it all in. I have drawn strength from your support. Anyway. I hope you have a nice day. Take good care. Nadia. 

Dear Diary, 

Only a week has passed, but I somehow do not remember my life before. I don't remember anything important. The days have become a blur. The world seems too big for me. Life continues. I cannot face anyone I know. I cannot talk about it with anyone I know.... All my friends and family are hurting with me, but I cannot help them. They all wanted this baby as much as me. I feel their pain and their LOVE for me but...just seeing them reminds me of the last time I saw or spoke to them and I was still pregnant. So I am here...writing it all down on this blog in a diary form because I cannot even speak to my on-line friends.  I am so sorry. I read their countless emails and their never ending comments or signs of support and I am sad for them and hope I am not upsetting them by not talking about it. 

Each day is a little harder as it becomes reality. Each day more and more details become clear in my head..more images and more words I heard that day. In an instant...in one sentence everything was lost. The words NO parent should ever hear "I am so sorry I cannot find a heartbeat"...I am still SO so angry. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and pretend it never happened. There isn't much more I can say. I don't know what to say. 

I have frantically cleaned the house this past week. This is because its the only thing I can control right now. I can't bring my baby back but at least the house is spotless from corner to corner. I cleaned my scrap area because scrapping isn't something that reminds me of all this. I stopped scrapping for the entire 4 and a half months and so ...I will start scrapping again. Just like before, something else  has to occupy my mind in the still of the night. I will start again. I just want to be alone. 

This is harsh, but I am almost angry at the kids too. I don't know why. There is NO one to blame. There are NO answers and we are in the dark. I had an ultrasound today to see if I was OK. Heartbreaking to see an empty womb. There was life in it just weeks ago. Life is NOT fair. But it could have been worse. I heard today at the ultrasound clinic that there was a lady that lost her baby at 38 weeks over the weekend. Maybe God was saving me from something worse like that? I want to believe that. I want to believe that He is still looking after me even if it doesn't seem so right now. 

I have made some decisions. I am not going back to teaching this term. I cannot walk the grounds I walked when I was quite pregnant just weeks ago. I can't go back and pretend nothing happened. I can't deal with the questions. This child HAS to have a mark on my life. I have to change something about my life and not just dismiss its existence by going back to normal life straight away. My baby's life cannot be in vain.  I am not going to work next year either, not until way past the due date anyway. I am focusing my energy on me and on healing and ...on the next baby. I am so scared at just the thought of that...but I cannot give up. I have to exhaust all possibilities or I risk getting to 60 years old and regretting NOT trying enough. Until the day someone says "you cannot have anymore children" I will keep on trying. There is just too much love inside me that I have to give still. I just want to hold one more baby. I am a good mum ...I know this. I somehow need to delete the image of the last birth I had to give and replace it with a labour where I get to hold my baby. 

I am entirely withdrawn and cannot speak of this anymore. I will continue my thoughts in my personal diary and be back here with some creations. I just don't know what else to say. I just hope this passes...but I am overwhelmingly confident it won't. Thank you is no where near enough for how I feel about the support and LOVE. I feel everyone's love ...everyone's prayers. I just do not know what to say to everyone. I am so sorry. 

Dear Diary, 

it has been 3 days since I was told my baby had died. Its late at night. I cannot sleep. The same tape keeps on playing in my head. The same words. The same images. I cant get rid of them. The house is dead quiet. Everyone is asleep, expect me and my thoughts. The world around me is muted. I don't feel anything but pain. I went out today for the first time. Everyone said I have to move on. I bought jewellery. It didn't help. I got my hair done. It helped momentarily. I cooked up a storm. That only made me feel like this baby is already forgotten. Nothing helps. NOTHING! I just want my baby. I told some people what happened. I could hear my self saying that I gave birth to a child that I will not bring home, and it sounded as if I was telling someone else's story. I braved it. I did it. But now it all begins. I look at my TV's flashing light and my eyes are fixed on it. My mind wonders off. Where is my baby now? Where did they take its body? Its life started and ended inside me. I saw it just a couple of weeks ago and it was mine. ALL mine. And now? Nothing helps. NOTHING helps. I drink a glass of wine for the first time in my life because I heard that makes you relax. But all I think about are the days coming up. The appointments I had to cancel. The ultrasounds I wont have. The mum at Maria's pre school who is due with her "unplanned" and "accidental" fourth baby 2 weeks before I was due, who I will see for the next 8 or so years as our girls will go to the same school next year. I wanted this baby. I planned this baby. Life is not fair. I am SO angry. I am angry. It doesn't matter that I have 2 children. It doesn't take the pain away. I don't look at them and think "Oh its OK! I have these 2". Not yet. I don't feel love for anyone. All I feel is pain. An endless ache. A complete emptiness.  I don't think my heart can take this. It feels as though God has forgotten me. WHY did this happen? I LOVED this baby. I tried SO hard to get this baby. I thought He was my Father. But what parent would want to hurt their child this way? I don't know what I am saying. I feel angry and so hurt. I touch my belly. There is nothing there. Everything changed in a matter of hours. NOTHING. What will I do? How will this go away? Who is to blame? Why? Why? Why so late? WHY did I fall pregnant in the first place? Everyone says "its for a good reason". WHAT GOOD REASON? What good can possibly come out of this? All the months, the days..the sickness, the stress. ALL for nothing. I knew. I knew all along. But still. Why? I erased all visual memories. The maternity clothes, rubbed out the weeks in my calendar. My life is now a before and after. Time stopped at 9:00 am on Monday morning. But all around me are memories of a life that will never be. A baby that will never arrive. People tell me they love me. I cant talk to them yet. I cant talk about this yet. I can only write it down. God give me strength. God give me strength. 

The saddest day of my life.

Well ....there was a reason I was scared about this pregnancy. A woman knows that she will not get to hold her baby and I knew all along. It is with tears in my eyes and the saddest and most unbearable grief that I share with you that at my 20 week scan today my baby was not alive. I knew it.. I just didn't know I will get half way though before it was confirmed. I am saddened and heartbroken and will never recover from this. My baby is gone...and I had loved it already and how do I say goodbye now?

Once Upon A...Sketch

Hey there everyone. As most of you know I have a little challenge blog called Once Upon A..Sketch. I have the BEST Design Team there. They are all SO talented and so committed and they do me proud. Even though I run the blog, I did start out designing there too. But I have pulled my self out of the Design Team these past few months as I did with all other scrap related stuff. Actually, a few months back when I decided to quit everything scrap related and ALL the Design Teams I was on, I almost gave up Once Upon A..Sketch as well. I told this to the girls. I told them that I probably wouldn't run it anymore. But..do you think they let me? NO! They all announced their instant support for me and for Once Upon A..Sketch. Some took on different roles, some took on more responsibilities. Others gave ideas. They all told me to hang in there and that what I was feeling would pass. And it did. Just like a wave, my emotions reached a peak...before splashing and dissolving. And I am SO so thankful to my Design Team for carrying my weight the last 3-4 months while I have just kind of managed to stay afloat. Now I feel better with my pregnancy...I feel better physically and more importantly psychophysically.  My hormones have settled , somewhat. My symptoms have stabilised. I am SO glad my Design Team made me keep Once Upon A..Sketch. I am SO happy to be back. I am so happy to be running it with this amazing team of people. You really MUST check them out. 

SO anyway, I am still NOT officially designing for Once Upon A...Sketch. But last night when I sat down to do a bit more scrapping with a GORGEOUS Swirlydoos kit from June (!) that was all over my desk I decided to play along with the challenge that I set for this fortnight...

October 1st challenge

Journalling Criteria: WRITE  2 noteworthy (to you anyway) events of the past week. Your journalling can be as long as you wish. There is NO limit to how much journalling you include but in order to qualify as a winner for this challenge, we must see AT LEAST 1 SENTENCE of journalling on WHY each event was noteworthy. 

And here is my sketch to go with this challenge.

Here is my take on this challenge

Well remember a few posts back I told you I needed to refocus some energy on my faith and felt the need to visit church more? Well I did. Just in the middle of the day at our nearby church. With no one around . I visited every day and asked God to help me be a more patient mum, to help me feel better and to help me calm down. Mainly with my kids, but also in my life and with my hubby. I asked Him to help me find my self as I felt I was lost all these months with the pregnancy, the worrying, the sickness (I developed a couple of other things in the last few months too..LONG STORY).  I did this almost every day for about 2 weeks.And look at me 2 weeks later. I am scrapping again, I am more relaxed with everything...I am not hyperventilating when the little one pees all over the floor for the 10th time that day. LOL! I am cooking EVERY DAY..I am happy. I am OK! 

There you go! That's my 2 cents worth. 

I hope you get the chance to play along. You will find all the info HERE. 

Hope you are having a great weekend. 

All the very best always to each and every one of you. 

Here we go..

..feeling quite nervous at posting this as the last time I scrapped was about 4 months ago and the last time I posted a layout here I was SO sick. But I did scrap last night. And I didn't feel sick at the thought of paper. As you might recall I was saying the other day I have cleared my scrap area so I can get a new fresh start. So last night, sitting down on my desk was wonderful, if not comical at times. After all these months, the glue was all dried up, I didn't know where things were, I had no bin. LOL! It was a sight for sore eyes I tell you. But it didn't take too long to get going, although I admit I was pretty rusty. Oh and THANKS Kristal for pointing out that I was just published in Scrapbooking Memories. I will have to pick up that copy now. Funny thing..this is my very first publication and it was picked up right when I stopped scrapping. I didn't even reply to the commissioning letter so I never got paid for it.. THAT'S how sick if scrapping I was. LOL! Anyway! 

I just happened to be at someone's blog yesterday who had posted about the current Color Room challenge and these were the colours I was working with last night, so it felt good to get some inspiration from The Color Room. 

This is the very first time I have ever used the Greek language on a layout. It is from a Greek song I love, called Η Καρδια Μου (My heart) from Mazonakis and the lyrics say: Οπως χτυπαει, η καρδια μου καθε βραδυ..Καθε της χτυπος ειναι κ'ενα σου χαδι. Καθε χτυπος της καρδιας μου, ειναι και ενα σου σημαδι. which in English it roughly translates to:  "Just like my heart beats every night, every heartbeat is a sign from you, every heartbeat is a touch from you' . You get the idea. It is, of course,  about my baby...and how it feels like my heart is beating just for him/her at the moment after waiting so long for him/her. It's the baby that is giving me life at the moment and ...I absolutely LOVE my girls...but I just cannot hide the fact I am extremely happy that there will be an addition to our family. It feels like all the love will just multiply and I wish the time will go quicker until I hold my baby. I wish someone could just guarantee that it will be OK. But every day I hear a different story and I just never stop worrying. Anyway!

And I wrote additional journalling because that's just me. It took this song that I listen to everyday, and this photo and my feelings about my baby to create again. It felt really good. 

Well anyway. You must be growing tired of hearing me say the same thing, but gee you guys out there are so good for the soul. You are so supportive and so encouraging! Thank you again for everything. I hope to start visiting people's blogs again. I cant wait to see what you have all been up to. 

OK! Better run. All the very best everyone. Take care! Nadia. 

September Birthdays

September is a HUGE month for us in regards to birthdays and other celebrations. We have my husbands and 2 daughters within 4 days of each other and on top of that we have a number of name day celebrations etc. etc. 

Anyway, on the 21st of September my first born daughter turned 5 and on the 22nd of September my second one turned 3. Yeah we planned that well LOL! I wonder how this baby that I am carrying will feel when it is born in Feb/March some time. 

Anyway. I wanted to share with you some pictures that we took on the girls birthday party. We had it at a park and it was THE best idea as I don't think I heard my kids at all on the day. They were happy to explore and play with some new outdoor games I had bought them. The best part was that the park was all ours, as we booked it and it was quite private.

You might remember last year we had a pretty huge themed party! Well this year, we didn't. With the way I was feeling and just the fact that we cannot have HUGE parties every year I decided that we would do a pretty simple one this year. The kids didn't mind at all. They didn't know the difference..I think maybe the big themes party was more for me than them? LOL!

Now, I am not too happy with these photos. I haven't used my camera in months and the editing isn't the best. But anyway. That't not what its about. 

                       Maria                                                                        Ioanna

 My mum on the left, my brother and his wife. 

My husband, Sam. 

My dad.

My other brother, his wife and son. 

My fave! 

The princess cake they chose. 

 I wonder how they feel about having to share their birthday? Cake, guests spotlight and all. I wonder if they mind that I dress them the same. I think its so cute. I swore I never would...but its so cute. So far they have not said otherwise. 

There you have it. Notice I am NOT in any pictures? Not good. Not good at all. I must do something about that or the kids will doubt I ever existed. LOL! But I do have one I can share with you. This is me at 3 months. Already showing. The ONE time I ask for a photo of me, and my head is chopped off. LOL! Oh well anyway...its not about me at the moment is it? Its about the most priceless thing in the world that I am carrying right in that belly! I am about to scrap this photo, so wish me luck. 

            

I changed my blog around! Trying to start fresh! Thanks to everyone for your nice comments yesterday. Those first 3 people, Sam H , Chloe N and Melinda T ..your parcels are on their way. Never fear! I have more things I need to clean out!

Oh what to do?

What do I do with the amount of supplies I have that are collecting dust? Its not like I can sell them. They are opened packages with only a couple of things missing. Maybe someone out there would treasure them? 

You see, I am kinda feeling like scrapping again. I cleared my scrap area. But I am a little weird when it comes to starting things over again. I really can't move on unless I de-clutter. I have a HUGE amount of stuff I have given away to friends etc. I have kept the essentials, plus some kits etc. Just today I sent 3 parcels overseas to some friends. Yeah OK..maybe I am also a generous soul. I don't know but I need to make some room if I am to start afresh! I am still left with a HUGE amount of alphas. I mean heaps. 

So..if you live in  AUSTRALIA (sorry international people..Australia Post is simply RIDICULOUSLY expensive!) and would appreciate some alphas (mainly Thickers!) from me and don't mind that some of the packs are open and some letters missing, then please leave your name here. The first 3 people that live in Australia and leave a comment on this post WITH your email address so that I can contact you, will get a pretty big collection of alphas. 

You know what they say...one man's trash is another's treasure.