Monday, October 10, 2011

The saddest day of my life.

Well ....there was a reason I was scared about this pregnancy. A woman knows that she will not get to hold her baby and I knew all along. It is with tears in my eyes and the saddest and most unbearable grief that I share with you that at my 20 week scan today my baby was not alive. I knew it.. I just didn't know I will get half way though before it was confirmed. I am saddened and heartbroken and will never recover from this. My baby is gone...and I had loved it already and how do I say goodbye now?

113 comments:

  1. Oh Nadia I am so so sorry for your loss. There are no words I can find to take away your pain. Just know I am praying for you and your family. You are Loved. xox

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  2. Oh no Nadia, so deeply sorry to know this. I am sad ;( I know how difficult and tough this is for you, but I can just say, PLEASE be strong! God knows better, Nadia. Please take care of yourself ya! {HUGS}

    Love,
    Sabrina

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  3. My heart breaks for you and your family. x

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  4. So very sorry for your loss, A mother, a women knows.There will always be a place in your heart for the one you did not meet, only time and love will mend your broken heart :( You are in my thoughts at this sad time.

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  5. Oh, Nadia. I'm so sorry to hear this. Take care, thinking of you.

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  6. Oh no Nadia! Oh, I'm so sad right now, my heart is breaking for you :(

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  7. Oh Nadia! I can't even begin to express how so so sorry I am to hear/read this. And speaking from experience (I lost one at 20 wks. too) , no you'll never completely get over it. That baby was just as loved, just as desired, and still holds just as big a part in your heart as do your other children. It's just as though you've lost one of your other children, and it's okay and very necessary to grieve. I wish I could reach through my screen and hug you and let you cry. This is something I wouldn't wish on any other mother.

    One special "token" that the hospital did for us was that they inked her little footprints and put them on a card for us. I have them framed in a shadow box now. They also let us hold her, and as EXTREMELY difficult as it was, I wouldn't trade anything for that 30 min. with her now.

    One blogger that helped me tremendously, as if she were reading my mind, is Angie Smith. She's walked this walk also and is very good at putting her thoughts and feelings into coherent sentences. You may not be ready for it now, but she does keep a blog and recounts her story even now 3 yrs. after her loss. You may want to check it out. http://angiesmithonline.com/category/audrey/ She's very much about remembering and making sure that your little one has just as much significance, remembrance as your other children. Reading through her posts gave me hope.

    I wish I had more to say, or could help in some other way than just leaving a lousy comment, so please contact if you would like to talk/email further. (DeannaMiser at gmail dot com) And I know we're halfway across the world from one another, but still. That's what the internet is for. PLEASE keep us updated somehow, someway. I'm here for you Nadia. I want to help how ever I can. (((HUGE hugs and tears and grace and prayers!))) Please know that I'm lifting you and your family up in prayer even now as I type.

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  8. My heart breaks for you & your family, there simply are no words...I'm so sorry for you loss. {hugs}

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  9. Oh, my sweet Nadia...I am so very, very heartbroken for you. Sending you all the love in the world from across the ocean. I wish I was there to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

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  10. Nadia, I'm sorry for what happened. I know how you feel, because this has happened to me too and is very sad. I hope you recover soon and feel better every day.

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  11. I AM SPEECHLESS!!!
    I Am SO SO SORRY for your Loss..
    I sit here with tears just pouring down my face...
    I send all the LOVE, Strength, Courage that you may need right now...... xx

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  12. I am totally numb....

    I don't even know any words to say...
    It must be a big loss...

    Just know that i am thinking of you and your family...xxxxx

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  13. oh Nadia... words cannot express what you must be goin through... but i hope that you can gain a touch of strength from all the well wishes that you have gotten here... many hugs and tears for you and all your family right now..
    xx.

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  14. oh MY NADIA!!!!
    I am so so sorry to hear about your loss!!!!
    Just when things were going so well for you!!!
    Life is just not fair sometimes and it SUCKS!!
    There is nothing I can say that the other girls have not said.. Please Be strong.. and have lots of family cuddles.. we are all here for you when ever you need us!!!
    Please you just take care of yourself!!! and please give my love to your family too!!!!
    Please do let me know how you are here there and everywhere when you can!!! Just so I know your OK
    My Love to you NADIA
    HUGS
    TONI
    XXXOOXXX

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  15. Nadia, I my heart breaks for you. I am not sure what to say as I know that no words can help with the pain you must be going through right now. I will say a prayer for you and your family xoxo

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  16. My heart is with you.I`m so sorry, hugs!

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  17. My heart breaks for you my dear sweet Nadia. I cannot believe it. I am so so sorry. I just don't know what you say. My thoughts and love are with you and your family. Sending big hugs xxx

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  18. My dear sweet Nadia....my heart is breaking for you and your husband. I know this all consuming grief...3 times over....I am sending my heartfelt love to you, and will pray for strength in the days ahead.

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  19. Nadia you did not deserve this sadness and my heart is truly broken for you. You are a beautiful person and I hope that you, Sam and the girls can find the strength and courage to get through this time.
    Wish I lived closer.....xx

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  20. There are no words I can give you, or wise words to make the pain stop, or to make you feel better. I wish I could hug you, kiss you and hold onto your hand but I cannot. This pain may never leave you, but please remember sweet sweet Nadia, we are all here for you, shall you need us. My thoughts are with you, I am sitting here with tears just thinkign of your pain and sorrow. Hugs xoxox

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  21. I was in tears reading your post Nadia....This should never happen to any mother, any family, but sadly it does. The aching you feel to hold your little one and stroke thier face will ease and you will find happiness again. Your precious little baby will never be forgotten. Have you named your little baby? I pray that you can be helped to float throught the next few minutes, days and months until you can come to terms with losing bubby, become as strong as you can be and make new plans in another direction. a new kind of normal... Bubby will always be your baby..... xoxoxo

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  22. Words can not express my sorrow for you and your sweet family. My prayers are with you and I wish you only comfort and consolation at this time of immense sadness. Hugs to you.

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  23. So very sorry for your terrible loss Nadia x

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  24. Oh Nadia, my words can never be enough to express the sadness of your loss. I am so sorry that this has happened. Life is so fragile and can also be so unfair. Know that you are loved. xx

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  25. Nadia, my heart breaks for you. I am so very sorry to hear the sad news. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better except maybe that I'm sorry for your loss. I know how much this baby meant to you and that you will always love him.

    Please know that it's OK to fall apart and be totally heart broken. You had an incredible loss and will need time to grieve and heal.

    Message me if you want to talk to someone. Three years ago I lost a little boy when I was 24 weeks along. I have not recovered and never will as a mother never forgets a son but I did learn to live with the comfort of the memory of carrying him inside of me. My biggest problem was finding little understanding for my grief so I offer you a listening ear if that would help.

    Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your wonderful family in my prayers.

    jolainefrias@gmail.com

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  26. Nadia I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little baby...I hope that you can find some solace in knowing the God has a plan for you and your family, and I will be praying for you! *hugs*

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  27. Nadia I am so terribly sorry to read this, I know this pain and it is one that will always be there. Your two 'angels' will always be part of your life and I know you will always be thinking of them. No words can take this immense loss and pain away from you but you and your family are in my prayers xxx

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  28. Dear Nadia I´m really so sorry my friend and I can understand your sadness but remember that God is near you always and I´m sure you will recovery from this because of your other kids and your beautiful family.I´ll be thinking and praying for you my friend.

    Hugs and kisses!
    Luzma

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  29. I am so sorry Nadia... I know that feeling... And I didn't have my kids then...At least you do... Take them in your arms and everything will go ok... Give it a little time... You will recover, you will see...

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  30. .....I am in sock....and pain....I will email to you....Be strong!!!

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  31. Oh...Nadia, My heart goes with you and family...sorry to know this...Its really heart wrenching.... I can totally understand... I've been thru the same...but I can just say, PLEASE be strong! God knows what is best for you...and family...big hugs ..thinking of you...[hugs xoxo]

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  32. .....Νάντια.....πόσο λυπάμαι.....το ξέρω αυτό το συναίσθημα.....αυτόν τον πόνο!Να είσαι δυνατή....το ξέρω ότι είσαι...Έχεις τα κοριτσάκια σου,ανθρώπους που σε αγαπούν και θα σε στηρίξουν!Άσε το χρόνο να γίνει γιατρός και όλα θα πάνε καλά!!!Σου στέλνω μια μεγάλη αγκαλιά!!!!

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  33. δεν υπάρχουν λέξεις να περιγράψουν τα συναισθήματα μου αυτή τη στιγμή... πόσο μάλλον τα δικά σου....
    δεν ξερω τι ν απω... μόνο να είσαι καλά... να προσέχεις τον εαυτό σου και την οικογένειά σου που σε λατρεύει... να είσαι γερή και δυνατή...
    σου στέλνω μια μεγάλη αγκαλιά, γλυκά φιλιά και προσευχές για υγεία.... δεν θα ξεχάσεις, αυτό δεν γίνεται... απλά με τον καιρό ο πόνος θα λιγοστέψει... έχεις τις κόρες σου και τον σύζυγο που σε χρειάζονται...
    be strong....

    σε φιλώ γλυκά
    με αγάπη
    Ελευθερία

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  34. So sorry to hear about your loss - I pray that you will receive much strength and also peace to get thru this difficult time - may you be strong - thinking of you and your family - xx

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  35. ...αυτο το συναισθημα το ενιωσα δυο φορες...εγινε πριν τα παιδια μου!!Οποτε εμενα εγκυος φοβομουν για την συνεχεια!!!Δεν ηθελα να μεινω εγκυος με το φοβο μην χασω ξανα το μωρο!!
    Να εισαι καλα δυνατη,εχεις τα κοριτσακια σου,τον αντρα σου και ολα θα πανε καλα!!Σου στελνω μια γλυκια αγκαλια και πολλα φιλια!!!

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  36. There are no more words to be said, so sorry for you and your family Nadia at this difficult time. I am thinking of you xxx

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  37. Nadia words are just not enough. There are some things that bear no understanding. My heart is breaking for you.
    In His loving arms.In your loving heart.
    HUGS

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  38. θα ήθελα να ήμουν εκεί να σε πάρω μια αγκαλιά και να κλάψουμε μαζί... Δεν ξέρω τι να σου πω Νάντια μου... έχω πάθει σοκ...

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  39. I am so so sorry to hear about your loss and I am so sad to reading your post. I had gone through that phase and I know how you feel. I am sending a lot of loves and hugs to you and I am thinking of you. Take a rest and don't stress yourself. Hugs

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  40. Πόσο πολύ λυπάμαι Ναντιάκι μου...έχω σοκαριστεί..δεν ξέρω τι μπορώ να σου πω για να απαλύνει τον πόνο σου...Πάρε το χρόνο σου, κλάψε αλλά να προσέχεις την οικογένεια σου και τον ευατό σου που σε χρειάζονται...Τα φιλιά μου.

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  41. Τα λόγια δε φτάνουν... Λυπάμαι τόσο πολύ... Πρέπει όμως να φανείς δυνατή για τις δύο κόρες σου και τον άντρα...and never give up hope...

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  42. Είμαι σοκαρισμένη…

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  43. oh Nadia, I'm so very very sorry for you and your family. xx

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  44. If there was anything I could do to easen your pain for you, Nadia, i would do it, and you know. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine how you feel. Big, big hugs!

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  45. Oh! I'm so so sorry for your loss Nadia:( Big hugs!!!
    Marinette

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  46. Αχ καλή μου...δεν έχω λόγια, κουράγιο...

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  47. Λυπάμαι πάρα πολύ Νάντια μου!Δεν ξέρω τι άλλο να πω.Το μόνο που εύχομαι είναι να περάσει γρήγορα ο καιρός και να απαλύνει λίγο ο πόνος σου.Έχεις μία υπέροχη οικογένεια δίπλα σου.Στηρίξου πάνω τους,αγκάλιασε τους και σίγουρα θα παρεις δύναμη για να συνεχίσεις!Και όπως λεει και η Μαρία παραπάνω,never give up hope!

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  48. so very sorry to hear this Nadia...sending love and wishing you strength xox

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  49. I'm very very sorry to read your dreadful news.sending you love,courage and strength...been there...know exactly how it feels...a small smile!!!

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  50. Nadia, I am deeply sorry for your loss.
    Sending you lots of love and much understanding.

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  51. hello Nadia.
    what a sad day that is!
    deep inside i know that there are no words strong enough to take your pain away...the only thing i can do is pray, for you and your family ,to God to give you strength- not to forget-but to move on and console you...
    I am truly sorry for your loss...

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  52. Oh Nadia! I wish I could give you a hug.

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  53. Sweet Nadia - my heart is truly breaking for you and your family.
    I can not imagine what you must be going through.
    I am thinking of you and your family and sending you all the love and hugs I have to offer! {{{hugs}}}

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  54. oh Nadia. I am so very sorry. I cannot even begin to imagine what you and your husband are going through right now. My thoughts are with you both.
    x

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  55. Nadia, I am so truly sorry for your loss. This is so sad and my heart is breaking for you and your family. There is nothing I can say that hasn't already been said, and there is nothing I can say that will take away the pain (I wish I could). But know that you are loved, by both family and friends. We are all here for you if you need us. You are in my thoughts. {{{hugs}}}

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  56. Oh Nadia...I am so sorry to hear of your loss.Sending big hugs and prayers your way!

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  57. Ohhh Nadia!!! Im so sorry for your loss... My heart and prayers are with you in this hard times...
    <3 <3 <3 Katarina

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  58. Nadia, I am so so sorry, please know that I too am heartbroken for you and that you are not alone, we are all grieving with you, please please take special care of yourself and take the time you need to heal, heaven has a very special angel I hope you can feel my arms around you giving you the biggest ever hug Xx

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  59. I am so, so sorry for your loss, Nadia. Heartbroken that you had to experience that.

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  60. γλυκια μου Ναντια...απλα θα σου πω ο Θεος να ειναι μαζι σου....

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  61. oh my dear friend, i am so, so sorry. i have no words other than i, like everyone else, have tears and am grieving for you. we know how loved and excited you were. you will be in my prayers. danni

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  62. Nadia, this is indeed sad and so sorry to hear about ur precious loss. I hope you will rest well & xoxo to you, my sweet friend :) Take care.

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  63. Oh my darling Nadia! I am so so sorry to hear your terrible news...I pray that God gives you strenght and courage to deal with your terrible pain.......try and be strong dear girl it is ok to cry and it is ok to talk about your poor lost baby.
    hugs and kisses.

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  64. Nadia I am so so sorry.
    my heart is breaking for you.
    please know that I am keeping you in my prayers and pray that you will find peace and understanding.
    you are loved.

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  65. My thoughts are with you & your family.
    Jenny

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  66. I´m so so sorry for your lost Nadia. My heart and prayers are with you and your family... A big big hug!

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  67. Like everyone, I'm at a loss for words, Nadia...
    I think we are unable to grasp how you feel, unless we've had a similar experience in the past.

    A very dear pastor in my church used to say that trials are blessings in disguise. I know it's hard for you to agree with that now, but with time and God's help you will find the strength to endure this pain...

    You have all our prayers and thoughts....

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  68. oh Nadia ! I am so sad for you. I hope you will find peace soon.

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  69. I am truly sorry for your loss, Nadia.
    My prayers are with you at this time of your sadness. I hope you feel better soon, hugs to you.

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  70. Nadia, I am truly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

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  71. Ohhh Nadia, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. Lot of hugs!

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  72. I am so sorry to hear this, Nadia. Sending you hugs across the miles. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  73. Oh no, I was holding my breath not wanting to read that. I'm praying for your recovery after this loss. Hugs.

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  74. I'm so sorry for your loss.
    My prayers are with you.

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  75. Λυπάμαι γι'αυτή την απώλεια.Ο χρόνος είναι ο καλύτερος γιατρός.κουράγιο!

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  76. there's now words that can remove the grief and the pain of what you have been through twice. I am in tears by hearing this news. I wish I can hug you Nadia. I am so sorry

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  77. Nadia, i am so so sorry to read this. My heart just sank when I read your post. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family, through this awful time. I am sending all my love over to you. Steph xo

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  78. So sorry to hear that. So very sorry.

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  79. Nadia, I am so very sorry and heartbroken to hear of your loss. The only thing I can think to do is send you all my love and big hugs. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. xx

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  80. Nadia, my thoughts are with you and your family, through my sisters personal experience she lost a child much much later in pregnancy and through time , support and love she has moved on, we all remember her little one but time does heal....

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  81. oh Nadia, i am so very sad to read this and my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.. you are in shock and sadness, and i can only pray for you and trust you will get through this slowly.. with love, lizzy...

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  82. Nadia,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your news. I wish there's something we could do for you...just know that you have lots of friends all over the world that cares for you! My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

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  83. My heart is breaking for you...I wish there was words to speak. I am praying for you and I know so many others are as well...

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  84. Nadia this is so sad, my prayers are for you and your family. I'm so sorry. A big hug!

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  85. Nadia believe that God has a reason for everything my friend. I feel your loss and my prayers are with you and your family. You will get thru this slowly.
    Hugs
    Shamma

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  86. Nadia I am so sad and shocked to read your message. Nothing I will say will ever take away the pain and sadness you and your family must be feeling but I hope thru the love of others you will know great strength at this time. Take care and thinking of you lots xxxx

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  87. Oh no Nadia! I'm so deeply sorry to hear your sad news! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. (((hugs)))

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  88. Oh My ...Nadia I dont know what to say..I feel such sadness and I only know you through your blog...sometimes we dont understand why....Take care of you...sending lots of love XXX

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  89. Oh, Nadia, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers! *warm hug*

    /Annika

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  90. Oh, Nadia, this si the saddest news ever! I've been thinking of you and your family all day long. I so hoped this baby would survive: it would deserve such great parents as you are. I've no words to describe this... take care! I just want to send you a really big hug and let you know I'm keeping you in my thoughts!

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  91. Nadia... I know I'm just a fellow scrapbooker from the other side of the planet, but I want you to know that I am so sorry to hear this, and that I lit a candle yesterday for the little baby you lost.

    You are so sweet, and I know you wanted this baby so bad, so finding the right words are hard.

    I hope you take your time to handle the feelings you have now, and that you can recover so you can continue to be an amazing mother for the two wondeful kids you have. They need their mum and I just know that they love you very much.

    I also hope it's possible for you to get pregnant again...

    Best wishes,
    Ann Cicilie

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  92. I am sorry for you Nadia...my thoughts are with you.
    Patricia

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  93. Nadia, my heart is breaking for you, I am so so so sorry. I know words cannot fix this, but just know that I am praying for you and your family.

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  94. Nadia, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart just broke to read your post. I am thinking of you & your family at this difficult time and sending all my love to you as you grieve. XXX

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  95. I'm heartbroken for you and so so so sorry for your unbearable loss.

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  96. Oh Nadia...my heart just breaks for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss, you will all be in my thoughts and prayers

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  97. My dear Nadia My heart breaks for you I am so sorry to hear the sad news My prayers are with you Biggg Hugs Carla

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  98. Oh Nadia I´m so sorry to hear this. I´m keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

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  99. so sorry to hear this. BE strong and NEVER give up !!!
    Take care!!!
    Cherubs

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  100. Oh Nadia, I am so sorry to hear this. Sending you hugs and keeping you in my thoughts.

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  101. Nadia, Prayers being said for you and your family...take care..-jaz

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  102. Oh Nadia, I'm so sorry to hear this. I cannot believe it!! You are in my prayers and thoughts. I'm so sorry for your loss, there are no words!!

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  103. I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss Nadia. I am sending love and hugs your way.

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  104. Nadia, I know that my words may be of little comfort for you at this moment as I know what you are going through. Losing a baby is devastating. You had wishes and dreams and in the blink of an eye, they vanish like petals in the wind. I have been there. At 23 weeks. It is unimaginable. That was 22 years ago. I have not forgotten, but my heart has healed. This time will be difficult for you and your family. I pray for peace and serenity for you. I pray that God carries you through this time and lifts your heart from the sadness that you feel. I pray that your broken heart heals. I am here if you need a friend to talk to. Just PM me. I am sending you prayers on angels wings....
    {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}
    Lisa

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  105. My heart thunked in my chest as I read the title of your post. I held my breath as I read your post. No!!! I am so very very sorry. I have tears in my eyes and wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. Sending you hugs, and keeping you in my thoughts, as it's all I can do.

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  106. My heart breaks for you and yours Nadia. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  107. Nadia I can't even begin to express my sympathy for you at this stage - you have been on my mind all week - strength to you my friend xx

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  108. I am so so sorry...I have gone through this too. May God bless you with strength and may the love of your family and friends carry you through this.

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  109. Nadia, I am sorry. So very sorry. Painfully sorry. I have been there as well also at 20 weeks. A time of hope and joy and anxious expectations turns so sad. It's not fair and it's not right.

    This was 16 years ago and tears still well in my eyes when I think of him as they are when I write. They will for you also and it is OK. Allow yourself to grieve and love this little one in your way.

    What was hardest for me was that people did not know how to react to me - to my loss and pain, to my situation. Most ignored me and acted as if nothing happened. Could not talk about it or offer me words of sympathy. That was the most painful because I felt alone in my grieving.

    Nadia, please - we are all here to tell you that YOU are not alone as you grieve for your angel. We are here to encourage and understand in prayer, hope and healing for you.

    The hospital made a great little memory box for me. His little tiny footprints in ink and a baby blanket and a beenie hat inside the box. They were so kind and they knew what a mommy needed in those horrible moments. I take the box down from time to time and look at his sonogram photos, look at the footprints - show his brothers the tiny feet.

    Last time I brought it down, the inked footprints were no longer visible. I sobbed and cried and mourned all over again. He is gone again - oh why was he taken from me yet again?

    He was not. I realized that he is in my heart always and never gone. I cannot rely on a paper to comfort me. I must believe that he is looking upon me with loving eyes and waiting till the time comes many many years from now when we shall meet again and enjoy each others company. Until then, he will watch and guide us to all that is good.

    On this day, he plays with your sweet child and they keep company together.

    Sad times indeed as so many of us know your pain and feel it with you dear lady!

    Hugs and prayers JRABS Jennifer

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  110. Nadia i have only just read of your loss so sorry to hear.Know that everyone is thinking of you and surround yourself with your beautiful girls.Nothing anyone will say will help you get through this but know that the pain will ease for you one day.
    I had tears reading this as i know the feeling myself and have walked the same road.Thinking of you and hugs Kerry xx

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  111. Nadia! I am so very, very sorry for your loss!
    I know that nothing can be said to heal the hole you now have in your heart, but I will say some really big prayers for you! I can relate and understand that your grief will forever be a part of you, but I hope time will help to ease and comfort you!

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  112. Oh Nadia, what an awful news! So sad and sorry for your babies los! be strong! Dalia

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