It feels so strange to blog about a layout. Or to blog at all. It feels too soon after what happened. Maybe it is? I don't know. I read somewhere that there is no time limit for healing or grieving. I feel too normal to be OK. I know I am not. I am trying to really push forward with life..I joined the gym yesterday and started a diet. I was the 10,000 member. It was my lucky day, they said, and I got a nice gift. My lucky day...! It angers me. It just angers me. The strongest emotion I feel at the moment is anger. I am so angry at everything and everyone. I don't know where it is coming from. I feel so angry about the smallest things that it actually makes me cry. At this point I still have not seen any family members or friends. Yes..in the words of a friend that just emailed me, I do just want to disappear. I don't want to deal with it.. I just want to be completely alone. I do not want to say the words that are not there, or have to explain the pain. I don't want this to be what defines me. This is what happened to me..its NOT who I am. I have a million people around me, wanting to help. But I just want to be alone..and its so weird because I should want to be with people. But I DON'T want to talk about it. I am seeing a specialist every week from tomorrow that deals with these things. So I will talk about it. I have heard so many terrible stories like mine since this happened. Everyone has a story it seems. That is unreal. Why did I not know this about people before? Why don't women talk about it? I have heard so many heartbreaking stories..like my friend (our friend!) Cynthia Llorens who left me a comment yesterday in my last post. People do survive. Although this is the worst thing imaginable that could happen to me, it is NOT the worst thing that could have happened. It could have been much worse.
Anyway, let's move on. Life continues..right? Let's talk about something else.
I moved my scrap area back downstairs..in our formal lounge just metres from our bedroom. I like it there. I have much less stuff than before due to my recent giveaways to special people. I scrapped last night. It felt foreign. Like I had never done it before. Back in June I won a challenge at The Scrapcake blog. I won 2 of their latest collection (In June!) but as you might recall I stopped scrapping soon after. Well the prize never arrived and because I wasn't scrapping I didn't bother chasing it up. Well...in mid September I finally received my prize. I thought that was an omen to start scrapping again and just when I pulled everything out and got ready all that happened. But the photos and everything were spread all over my desk so last night I scrapped. I like the solitude, disconnect and isolation from the world I feel when i scrap. I can't say it made me feel better..but it took my mind off things for a while.
I was over at lovely Colleen's blog yesterday and she entered a challenge at Let's Get Shabby and it just gave me all the inspiration I needed to get started.
So I drew inspiration from the colours in this picture which was part of Challenge #28 at Let's get Shabby
We also were asked to use paints and flowers as part of the challenge.
Here is my use of paint. I splattered white paint over the paper.
I also painted white some die cut papers.
This is my little one, Ioanna. Do you understand the meaning of "making my heart smile" ? This child has done this for me since the very first moment I held her. There is something insanely sweet about her. Something that takes all my worries away. She makes my heart feel light..does that make sense?
So anyway. That's all from me. Let's just carry on as normal hey? Maybe that will help. I just dont want to write about the same thing over and over, even though that is what I am always thinking about. Again, I just thank you all for everything. Thank you is just not enough. But its all I know how to say right now. Again, I am not ignorant to all your support. I have read each comment, email or sms. I have taken it all in. I have drawn strength from your support. Anyway. I hope you have a nice day. Take good care. Nadia.