Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hi everyone. 

It feels so strange to blog about a layout. Or to blog at all. It feels too soon after what happened. Maybe it is? I don't know. I read somewhere that there is no time limit for healing or grieving. I feel too normal to be OK. I know I am not. I am trying to really push forward with life..I joined the gym yesterday and started a diet. I was the 10,000 member. It was my lucky day, they said, and I got a nice gift. My lucky day...! It angers me. It just angers me. The strongest emotion I feel at the moment is anger. I am so angry at everything and everyone. I don't know where it is coming from. I  feel so angry about the smallest things that it actually makes me cry. At this point I still have not seen any family members or friends. Yes..in the words of a friend that just emailed me, I do just want to disappear.  I don't want to deal with it.. I just want to be completely alone. I do not want to say the words that are not there, or have to explain the pain. I don't want this to be what defines me. This is what happened to me..its NOT who I am. I have a million people around me, wanting to help. But I just want to be alone..and its so weird because I should want to be with people. But I DON'T want to talk about it.  I am seeing a specialist every week from tomorrow that deals with these things. So I will talk about it. I have heard so many terrible stories like mine since this happened. Everyone has a story it seems. That is unreal. Why did I not know this about people before? Why don't women talk about it? I have heard so many heartbreaking stories..like my friend (our friend!) Cynthia Llorens who left me a comment yesterday in my last post. People do survive. Although this is the worst thing imaginable that could happen to me, it is NOT the worst thing that could have happened. It could have been much worse. 

Anyway, let's move on. Life continues..right? Let's talk about something else. 

I moved my scrap area back downstairs..in our formal lounge just metres from our bedroom. I like it there. I have much less stuff than before due to my recent giveaways to special people. I scrapped last night. It felt foreign. Like I had never done it before. Back in June I won a challenge at The Scrapcake blog. I won 2 of their latest collection (In June!) but as you might recall I stopped scrapping soon after. Well the prize never arrived and because I wasn't scrapping I didn't bother chasing it up. Well...in mid September I finally received my prize. I thought that was an omen to start scrapping again and just when I pulled everything out and got ready all that happened. But the photos and everything were spread all over my desk so last night I scrapped. I like the solitude, disconnect and isolation from the world I feel when i scrap. I can't say it made me feel better..but it took my mind off things for a while. 

I was over at lovely Colleen's blog yesterday and she entered a challenge at Let's Get Shabby and it just gave me all the inspiration I needed to get started. 

So I drew inspiration from the colours in this picture which was part of Challenge #28 at Let's get Shabby


We also were asked to use paints and flowers as part of the challenge. 



Here is my use of paint. I splattered white paint over the paper. 


I also painted white some die cut papers. 


This is my little one, Ioanna. Do you understand the meaning of "making my heart smile" ? This child has done this for me since the very first moment I held her. There is something insanely sweet about her. Something that takes all my worries away. She makes my heart feel light..does that make sense? 

So anyway. That's all from me. Let's just carry on as normal hey? Maybe that will help. I just dont want to write about the same thing over and over, even though that is what I am always thinking about. Again, I just thank you all for everything. Thank you is just not enough. But its all I know how to say right now. Again, I am not ignorant to all your support. I have read each comment, email or sms. I have taken it all in. I have drawn strength from your support. Anyway. I hope you have a nice day. Take good care. Nadia. 

63 comments:

  1. I know exactly how it feels to want to be alone when the whole world is right there willing to help. Four years on, I still feel lonely in a whole room of people. It's the gap that can't be filled. I'm thinking of you, take your time. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh it so nice to see you back scrapping. I think it will help you and you can channel your energies into wonderful pages like this. I love that photo and your design is just awesome.
    Take care.xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Keep hanging in there, Sweetie. There are so many of us who understand your pain .. and the rest can imagine it. Your page is gorgeous. I had almost forgotten about the girls' birthday party. Love me some Scrap Cake .. and used so beautifully! Hugs from afar, Sandi

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Nadia, I have been reading all of your posts. I am normally one who just reads and moves on. I am not the most eloquent speaker/writer, and I know nothing I say can or will take away or ease your pain. But, I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for all that you are going through. I wish I had the right words to say to ease your pain. As for your daughter and making your heart smile, I completely get it. My son does that for me. He is the sweetest little boy. He has such a zest for life and this crazy, vivid, fun imagination. I get the biggest kick of out the things that come out of his mouth. He certainly brightens my day and makes me so happy. Thinking of you... take care of yourself! Hugs, Michelle

    ReplyDelete
  5. I forgot to mention how beautiful your page is! I love all the layers of goodies and such a beautiful design. Take care of yourself!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nadia, great to see you back on scrapping and keep it up and take good care of yourself. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  7. Aww Nadia, what a warm and sweet page. I love your paper choices and the soft pretty layering.

    ReplyDelete
  8. My dear friend!!!
    It´s so great to see you back again on scrapping!!!! Great ...great ...great !!
    Enjoy every moment with your girls!!!!
    Have a wonderful day !!!
    kisses and huges
    Cynthia

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Nadia you do have such a talent for scrapping, your words on your pages always have so much love and meaning to them : ) Love and Peace xox

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a gorgeous page Nadia!! She looks like such a little sweetie :-)
    Thinking of you my friend, take your time, take care xx

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh what a lovely layout, Nadia!!! :)
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nadia, Great to have you back with a beautiful layout!!!! Enjoy each moment with your precious girls... big hugs...xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nadia dearest, I honestly don't dare to say that you are getting better but I know you are coping things quite well. I mean, you did sound ok. At least, which is good already. Yup life continues and it is just great to be able to see your beautiful page again. I went to Colleen's blog also yesterday and so tempted to join the shabby challenge. Wishing you the brightest day and take good care of yourself, ya!! xoxo.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey Nadia...
    YEAH! I think she would Bring out the Smile in anyone's Heart...
    Just STUNNING!!!
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hey Nadia, its so nice to see you "out and about" again, well in the scrapbooking world anyway. I know things are still very "raw" for you and life is still sad, but I'm so glad you have put "glue to paper" and produced this very sweet and beautiful page. As always colours, placement and details are perfect. I'm so glad you were inspired by the Lets Get Shabby inspiration picture and thank you for playing along with us.

    ReplyDelete
  16. really gorgeous layout..she is just so beautiful:)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Beautiful layout.....and keep hugging your beautiful family because they are what matter at the moment, you will all help each other get through this!
    hugz
    irini

    ReplyDelete
  18. A gorgeous LO Nadia and your little girl looks the sweetest :) So glad you scrapping again and thanks for the mention ;) You are too sweet!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Gorgeous Nadia. Glad that the chal over at LGS was able to inspire you. Thanks for playing along with us.

    ReplyDelete
  20. just beautiful....
    thanks for joining us!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Καλημέρα Nadia! Τι όμορφα που ξεκινά η μέρα : ) !!!!!! Υπέροχη, κοριτσίστικη σύνθεση και πως μπορεί αυτό το γλυκό κοριτσάκι, με το μελένιο χαμογελάκι της και τις μπουκλίτσες της, να μην σου αγγίζει την καρδιά και να μην σου φτιάχνει την μέρα!!! Φιλιααα – χαίρομαι πολύ : )

    ReplyDelete
  22. Nadia, this is stunning, so glad you managed to do this too, it may of taken your mind away from your grief for just a moment, but that is great, and the layout is stunning.....Glad you are going to go talk to someone take care, glad you are doing things your way :) take care of yourself, Im here if you ever need Xx

    ReplyDelete
  23. hugs from me. and please don't dwell too much into it. I've a D&C before... have to let it go.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Love your beautiful Layout, sweet pic, gorgeous details and splash of paint.
    Thanks for playing along with us at Let's Get Shabby.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Ναντιάκι μου γλυκό, κοίτα το χαμόγελο της Ιωάννας και η μέρα σου θα φωτίσει!
    Είναι μια κούκλα και είναι ευλογημένη που έχει μια τόσο υπέροχη μητέρα σαν εσένα να της φτιαχνει τόσο ξεχωριστές συνθέσεις!
    Ξέρω πως ακόμα είναι δύσκολο, αλλά προσπάθησε να χαμογελάς και να δημιουργείς... είναι θεραπευτικό!
    Σε σκεφτόμαστε όλες και σ' αγαπάμε πολύ!
    Για τη σύνθεση τι να πω; Τέλεια όπως πάντα! Αλλά η Ιωάννα κλέβει την παράσταση!!! Είναι απίστευτα όμορφη!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Love your beautiful LO! So sweet photo, gorgeous details and paint. Thank you for playing along with us at Let's Get Shabby.

    ReplyDelete
  27. So beautiful your LO and daugther is!!
    Sending you a lot of good thoughts from Norway..hug :-)

    ReplyDelete
  28. oh I can totally relate to having someone make your heart smile. Your page is beautiful.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  29. HI.. this dear little girl will make anyone's heart smile.. she has the face of an angel.. and i love to read your blog posts, whatever you say, i am listening and if you feel you want to be quiet and alone, that is ok. when the noise of the world is stilled then God whispers words of strength.. and being angry is part of the healing, i pray it will pass.. your heart is too beautiful for it to be angry for too long.. and i am glad you are getting to talk to someone who can be of good counsel to you... i hope it all helps.. take care of yourself... you are in my prayers..xx lizzy

    ReplyDelete
  30. Καλέ, αυτό το αγγελούδι σε κάνει να λιώνεις με μια ματιά!!!!!! Στο έχω ξαναπεί πόσο αδυναμία της έχω! Μου θυμίζει την Ιόλη μου...ΠΟΛΥ χαδιάρααααααα, όλο αγκαλιές και φιλιά είναι! Απίστευτη σύνθεση!!! Σα να μη πέρασε μια μέρα!!! Λατρεύω το στυλ σου!!!!!
    Οσο για τα υπόλοιπα, όπως είπες κι εσύ, ας μιλήσουμε και για κάτι άλλο...just take your time...I agree with Lizzy...your heart is TOO kind to be angry for long...
    Φιλάκιααααααα!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. My prayers and love are with uouxx

    ReplyDelete
  32. "just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it turned into a BUTTERFLY " .... a very dear friend of mine sent this to me twice .. first when I had a still birth many years ago and second when my precious son Mark was killed.. I really thank her .... it helped me ...
    take care ... hugz x

    ReplyDelete
  33. So lovely lovely lovely....so much love in that LO... thanks for playing along with shabby!

    ReplyDelete
  34. oh boy don't I know how it feels to want to shut myself off from the rest of the world including family and friends. BIG HUGS to you, Nadia. And it is SO GREAT to see such a beautiful page from you right now. Thinking of you x

    ReplyDelete
  35. Gorgeous project - huge hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  36. so glad to see you are scrapping again.
    This layout is just precious as is your little princess!
    Take care!!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Nadia, I haven't commented on the last few posts for fear I'd upset you more, make you angrier, or give you a false sense of "just pull through" when I know that that's not possible yet. That said, this song has been on my heart to share with you. The only way I can share is through the Youtube video. It's Laura Story's "Blessings" http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ I'm not sure you're ready for it, but maybe you are. I think and pray for you when I hear it. I can hear myself in your posts, remember and relive what it's like to lose something so precious and to think/dwell on what isn't going to be. Please know that it's NOT intended to anger you more. I simply want to offer what little peace and hope I can. Maybe. If that's even possible right now. But know that you're loved. Even across the globe. By a virtual stranger you only know through the Nook. And you're being lifted up in prayer. Often. It's good to see you scrapping, taking some "me" time, some time to reflect. That gives me a little hope. When and if you're ready/willing to talk, email me. I'll listen. I'll cry with you. It's only those of us who've walked in your shoes who know really what it's like. (((hugs my friend)))

    ReplyDelete
  38. Just lovely, Nadia, childishly touching Lo!

    ReplyDelete
  39. μία υπέροχη σύνθεση με ένα φανταστικό φωτεινό χαμόγελο...
    ότι χρειάζεται κάποιος για να φωτίσει την ημέρα του και τη ζωή του!!!!
    να είσαι καλα και να χαίρεσαι τα παιδακια σου...
    σε φιλώ γλυκά

    ReplyDelete
  40. Beautiful layout as always Nadia and sending you lots of {{hugs}}.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Beautiful page, love the soft colors!! So nice to see you scrapping again! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Nadia, your layout is so warm, soft and so beautiful!!I really love your page. Thank you for playing along with us at Shabby!!!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Beautiful page! Sending you big bear hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  44. So you say it was foreign to you to scrap again...Hmmm...looks like you didn't forget, and it still has the signature Nadia style all over it. Good to see you creating again, and I'm sure it helps take your mind off things for at least a little bit.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Amazing page Nadia, you wouldn't know that you haven't been scrapping regularly. Keep going won't you, love seeing your pages!!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oh Nadia this is just beautiful! So glad that you decided to scrap...your so talented...love seeing your lo's! What a sweet, sweet pic too!

    ReplyDelete
  47. My heart aches for you Nadia. I am so sorry you have to feel pain like this. I know the feeling of not being able to escape it, of living it every minute. I pray that time passes quickly for you that you can have more and more moments where it's not the only thing you can concentrate on....It never goes away, but you can live again. I will keep you in my prayers. Much Love, Lydell x

    ReplyDelete
  48. WOW, stunning work. Love this LO and the fab colours. Thank for playing along with us over at Let's get shabby.
    Hugs, Anja

    ReplyDelete
  49. Hi Nadia, I think that keeping yourself busy and occupying your mind with other things is a great idea & you mustn't feel guilty about it. It is part of your healing & will help you to get through this - your layout is gorgeous & beautiful and with such a talent I am so glad that you are back sharing your wonderful work with us all xx

    ReplyDelete
  50. Nadia, I pop in from time to time, my thoughts are with you, take care, Doreen x

    ReplyDelete
  51. Thinking for days on what to say to you.. then I thought there will never be the perfect words.. No words then.. just virtual hugs. Feels a little bit "off" to say I love your art.. but I really do.

    ReplyDelete
  52. I've been reading all of your posts and my heart is so sad for you and your family. My husband read too and shed a tear because this is all too raw for us too. No-one can say or do anything to help. I understand the anger, the unfairness, the need to be alone. Oh, I just want to hug you and take away the pain.
    I hope you keep scrapping. It helped me. A little. You are so talented. This work is amazing. Use your sleepless nights to scrap because it might just help you a little too.
    My prayers are with you and your family. Please know there is a lot of love coming your way. You will be in our family prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Nadia,
    Your soul should feel any way it needs to feel. If you want to be alone, then be alone, if you feel angry then be angry, if you need to scream, if you need to cry, if you need to shout out Why?? and if you need to scrap then you scrap. To feel sorrow and pain is also part of our soul's journey. I wish it weren't but it is! we should never lose our faith and hope in the process, it is like losing our heart and soul.
    Beautiful layout, I too love scrapbooking because it gives me a stillness of the mind. That is powerful!!
    hugs
    Keren

    ReplyDelete
  54. Sending you love and prayers Nadia... I love your lo... absolutely beautiful! :)

    ReplyDelete
  55. this page is just gorgeous Nadia... Thank oyou very much for your sweet comment.
    kisses
    Patricia

    ReplyDelete
  56. Nadia, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

    This page is absolutely beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Nadia, I am very sorry for your loss. Grieve is something that can not be described, everybody has there own way. As long as you know that friends and family will always be there for you in every step of the way. I wish you all the best in the time to come and my thoughts are with you. Channa

    ReplyDelete
  58. Thinking of you lots Nadia...this layout is just beautiful...its so good to see you creating again :))xx

    ReplyDelete
  59. Γεια σου Νadia! Χαρηκα που ειδα νεα σου και διαβασα τα posts σου και βλεπω τις μικρες αλλαγες που περιγραφεις, αλλά κυρίως τις νιωθω, τις ξαναθυμαμαι... Και αναγνωρίζω τα βηματα που εκανα εγώ και έτσι τον αγωνα που κανεις εσύ τώρα! Χαρηκα που θα πας στο συμβουλο, εγω δεν το εκανα κι ίσως εαν το ειχα κανει να με ειχε βοηθησει να ορθοποδήσω πιο γρήγορα... Να αφησεις τον εαυτό σου ελευθερο, η αγαπη των γυρω σου θα σε προστατευσει...
    Σε σκεφτομαι συχνά με αγαπη...

    ΥΓ Μου αρεσε πολύ η συνθεσή σου, πολύ γλυκιά!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  60. We are many many around the globe thinking of you and sending you loving thoughts. So happy to see you back with the papers and glue again, this page is wonderful!! All the special Nadia trade marks and the photo of darling Ionna, absolutely precious! xoxox

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so very much for taking the time to drop by and leave me a comment. I appreciate it so much!