Monday, October 17, 2011

Dear Diary, 

Only a week has passed, but I somehow do not remember my life before. I don't remember anything important. The days have become a blur. The world seems too big for me. Life continues. I cannot face anyone I know. I cannot talk about it with anyone I know.... All my friends and family are hurting with me, but I cannot help them. They all wanted this baby as much as me. I feel their pain and their LOVE for me but...just seeing them reminds me of the last time I saw or spoke to them and I was still pregnant. So I am here...writing it all down on this blog in a diary form because I cannot even speak to my on-line friends.  I am so sorry. I read their countless emails and their never ending comments or signs of support and I am sad for them and hope I am not upsetting them by not talking about it. 

Each day is a little harder as it becomes reality. Each day more and more details become clear in my head..more images and more words I heard that day. In an instant...in one sentence everything was lost. The words NO parent should ever hear "I am so sorry I cannot find a heartbeat"...I am still SO so angry. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and pretend it never happened. There isn't much more I can say. I don't know what to say. 

I have frantically cleaned the house this past week. This is because its the only thing I can control right now. I can't bring my baby back but at least the house is spotless from corner to corner. I cleaned my scrap area because scrapping isn't something that reminds me of all this. I stopped scrapping for the entire 4 and a half months and so ...I will start scrapping again. Just like before, something else  has to occupy my mind in the still of the night. I will start again. I just want to be alone. 

This is harsh, but I am almost angry at the kids too. I don't know why. There is NO one to blame. There are NO answers and we are in the dark. I had an ultrasound today to see if I was OK. Heartbreaking to see an empty womb. There was life in it just weeks ago. Life is NOT fair. But it could have been worse. I heard today at the ultrasound clinic that there was a lady that lost her baby at 38 weeks over the weekend. Maybe God was saving me from something worse like that? I want to believe that. I want to believe that He is still looking after me even if it doesn't seem so right now. 

I have made some decisions. I am not going back to teaching this term. I cannot walk the grounds I walked when I was quite pregnant just weeks ago. I can't go back and pretend nothing happened. I can't deal with the questions. This child HAS to have a mark on my life. I have to change something about my life and not just dismiss its existence by going back to normal life straight away. My baby's life cannot be in vain.  I am not going to work next year either, not until way past the due date anyway. I am focusing my energy on me and on healing and ...on the next baby. I am so scared at just the thought of that...but I cannot give up. I have to exhaust all possibilities or I risk getting to 60 years old and regretting NOT trying enough. Until the day someone says "you cannot have anymore children" I will keep on trying. There is just too much love inside me that I have to give still. I just want to hold one more baby. I am a good mum ...I know this. I somehow need to delete the image of the last birth I had to give and replace it with a labour where I get to hold my baby. 

I am entirely withdrawn and cannot speak of this anymore. I will continue my thoughts in my personal diary and be back here with some creations. I just don't know what else to say. I just hope this passes...but I am overwhelmingly confident it won't. Thank you is no where near enough for how I feel about the support and LOVE. I feel everyone's love ...everyone's prayers. I just do not know what to say to everyone. I am so sorry. 

26 comments:

  1. Δεν χρειάζεται να μιλήσεις και να πεις τίποτα άλλο γλυκειά μου...
    Θρήνησε, κλάψε γι' αυτη τη ζωούλα που χάθηκε... όλοι μας το κάναμε για σένα! Να ξέρεις ότι σε έχω στη σκέψη και την προσευχή μου και πως στο τέλος ο Θεός θα σου δώσει αυτό που επιθυμείς!
    Γιατί είσαι πραγματικά τόσο καλή, τόσο αληθινή, τόσο ανθρώπινη και τόσο καλή μητέρα.
    Σε φιλώ γλυκά

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  2. Dear Nadia, we are here.. we are listening for your words or for your silences..take time for you to heal.. let your feelings out they are normal and it is healthy to feel..i continue to pray for you sometimes just my heart prays without words.. you will find the strength.. take care of yourself.. love lizzy xx

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  3. Nadia, we dont want thanks or acknowledgement, we dont want you to feel you have to thanks us, we are hear sending love and strength because we care about you and we hurt for you, we dont want you to say sorry, you have no reason to apologise to anyone. Just do what you have to do, when you have to do it. Dont give up on wanting another baby, because you are so right you are a great mum and for reasons unknown to everyone the time hasnt been right, but it will be I am sure of that......Take care of yourself Xx

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  4. Don't be sorry Nadia - it takes time to heal - nothing will replace the child you lost and she will always hold a special place in your heart - God will give you strength to move on - just trust in Him. Just take care of you and your family - all the best. xx

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  5. You don't have to say anything to anyone. You will continually be in my prayers. HUGS.

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  6. Nadia, you won't forget anything, but you must learn to live with this. You must take time for yourself, and then, how long will it take, I don't know, but then, you will be able to help others to go through this as well. Take the time you're in need for, and come back to us when you are ready to. Sorry for my poor english that does not exactly means what I really mean to say. You know our thoughts are with you and you know you can count on us if you need. A lot of love from me to you Nadia.

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  7. There is no need to say anything, Nadia... Συνέχισε να προσπαθείς και όλα θα πάνε καλά!!! Σε ξέρω ελάχιστα μέσω του μπλογκ σου, θεωρώ όμως ότι είσαι φοβερά αξιόλογος άνθρωπος και από τις καλύτερες μανούλες του κόσμου. Don't give up... Στο τέλος θα καταφέρεις αυτό που τόσο επιθυμείς. Σου στέλνω μια πολύ πολύ πολύ μεγάλη και ζεστή αγκαλιά...

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  8. Nadia!!
    DON"T BE SORRY @ all.... You are going though something NO 1 should EVER Go though.......
    You are dealing with it the BEST way you can right now.....
    To be able to Get your Feelings out is a GOOD thing!!!
    *HUGS*

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  9. Nadia, I do not need to hear a Thank You from you to know that you hear my prayers for you. I know you hear them, I know you are thankful. You need this time for yourself to sort through your feelings and hurt.You are going to have good days and you are going to have days when you feel like the world is coming down on you again. During those crashing days, think about the good days, and you will get back there once again.
    When you are silent, I will be listening with an open heart. Just know that you are not alone...
    You don't have to say a word.I can hear your heart through your words. Do not feel sorry for us because we are trying in vain to help you. We understand. Just know that you are not alone.I look forward to your creations.
    God will help strengthen your faith..Just ask in his name...

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  10. Nadia, palavras são levadas pelo vento...não diga nada, não é preciso. Preciso é que você preencha seus dias, volte sim ao scrap, vai lhe fazer bem...ocupar as mãos e a mente, isto é maravilhoso! Mas, faça quando tiver vontade e não por obrigação!
    As orações em sua direção...aceite-as, são de pessoas amigas que lhe querem bem! Deus lhe dará forças e esperança!
    Um forte abraço chegando aí desde o Brasil!
    Marlei

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  11. You are a good Mum and there is a future ahead. You have two precious girls who need their Mum so channel your energy into those little girls and the rest will follow.
    I think you sound a little clearer already and time will help in some ways, maybe not in others but you are not being asked to forget, just to keep going.
    Take care and speak soon.

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  12. You don't need to say anything to anyone, nor do you have anything to apologise for.

    We are all thinking of you and sending only positive thoughts your way.

    x

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  13. You need to worry about you Nadia!! If people don't understand that you don't feel like talking about it thats their problem. We are here for you because we care about and love you. We will still be here when you are ready. There are wonderful things in store for you Nadia, remember that the path we follow is not always the easiest nor does it make sense to us but you are loved and this is what matters xoxo

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  14. I am still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...and your family..
    hugggs

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  15. You are on my prayers... A big hug...

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  16. you don't have to say thank you and we totally know how you feel at this moment. Don't stress and be sad my dear, be strong and remember God is always there, listen and help to strengthen your faith and remember you are always in our prayers. Hugs

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  17. you know what.. you have nothing to be sorry for.. i hope that writing this like you are is helping.. its getting it off of your chest your head and your not actually speaking the words outloud.. and i hope from the bottom of my heart it is helping alittle.... dont feel bad for the way you are feeling. and i 'm sure the girls will understand what you are goin through someday. but for now... just tell them you love them every now and then.and they will forgive you and love you No matter what.
    many hugs for you.

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  18. Nadia everything you are feeling is completely normal .. I know it does not feel normal but believe me it is ..life will never be exactly the same again but you will continue and heal ...take all the time you need .... there is an amazing book called "when the bough breaks" and it is written by a bereaved parent who interviewed thousands of fellow bereaved parents from all walks of life and who have lost children from all different circumstances.. it is full of enlightenment ... it is the best book written on grief in my opinion ... I found great comfort from it ... take care sweetie ...

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  19. You're lot stronger than you think you are now. Don't be sorry, take your time and listen to all the kind words. No need to apologize for anything, really ! Hugs and prayers...

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  20. No Need Nadia to be SORRY!!!!
    you take your time you right your feelings out in this diary.... we are all here listening to you.. We are SORRY we cant do anything to help you!!!
    Take Care
    TONI
    XOXOXO

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  21. Καλή μπυ Νάντια, ο χρόνος θα απαλύνει τον πόνο σου... ο Θεός θα σου δώσει δύναμη και κουράγιο να συνεχίσεις και σίγουρα θα σου δώσει και αυτό που επιθυμείς τόσο πολύ! Απλά για κάποιο λόγο σε δοκιμάζει... ξέρει Εκείνος πότε θα είναι η κατάλληλη στιγμή.
    Σε φιλώ γλυκιά μου και σε σκέφτομαι πάντα...

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  22. I can't even imagine how you feel I've never lost a child but I do know how it feels to not be able to have a biological child. Your pain is raw and you shouls feel any way you want!! its your time to heal....if another soul awaits you, it will come to you one way or another...because souls travel through lifetimes and are meant to be together...

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  23. Nadia
    I read all your past posts and I want to tell you my story about losses in pregnancies.
    I have a son at age 24 and when he was 9 months pregnant I was a great joy for all the family.
    But when I was 5 months I lost that baby, it was another day that I do menino.No ultrasound and I saw my baby died, I cried for days on end.
    For a few months I only had the strength to breastfeed my son.
    A year after going through this loss, pregnant again ... my happiness was gigantic.
    And after eight weeks, the unexpected happens, I lose my baby again.
    I cried for nights nothing made me happy, even the smile of my little son who was already more than 1 year.
    Well after two losses I decided that I should not have more children.
    Then after 8 years I got pregnant and came to Isabella who is now aged 17.
    It was a wonderful pregnancies, but the trauma of previous losses prowled through my body ..
    A year later I got pregnant with twins and was the greatest joy of my life .. I smiled, sang, preparing the new house, but I moved to a bigger house and the whole family was getting ready to help me, my two children were happy , the small with only one year and just did not understand what was happening, but as Isabella was a sweet child, I did not worry.
    And when I was 6 months of pregnancies, my babies were born prematurely. It was a beautiful boy and a girl, two angels.
    But life is not always makes us happy for a long time, after 3 weeks of intensive care Prenatal my babies died.
    I'm sure I died that day along with them for months, I was in the room of my house and not talk to anyone with just my children, I would not eat or bathe in short life seemed unfair to me.
    Then after 13 years I was pregnant with 45 years of Marcella that you know the photos.
    Rather it was a miracle was the highest reward that God could give me.
    Today it is my greatest joy, my great companion.
    For my oldest son is in India and Isabella is a teenager ... I do not need to say anything.
    Nadia So you should not blame yourself or blame anything and anyone.
    God even though we were going to take something that very love, the reward at the right time with this one gives us a new life for possamso do all the best with it.
    And best of all is that our son comes so late that he has to teach us that in life there is no time or date for love.
    Simply we love.
    You will still give much love to a new baby and you know why?
    Why do we never gave up that we are mothers had a great love.
    Nadia does not suffer more, look forward and let God will send another angel.
    With love
    Cynthia
    PS. Sorry but today I use the google translate.

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  24. Καλή μου Nadia πόσο πολύ πονώ μαζί σου δεν περιγράφετε … Θα μείνω σε αυτό που έγραψες "I cannot give up" !!!!!!! Νόμιζα ότι δεν θα το διάβαζα από σένα ποτέ. Ήδη έχεις κάνει το επόμενο βήμα και προχωρείς! Πόσο πολύ χαίρομαι. Θα ήθελα να σου πω πολλά, αλλά πρέπει να κάνεις μόνη σου τα βήματα, για να καταλάβεις όλα όσα θα ήθελα να σου πω για να σε βοηθήσω. Κι όταν θα τα έχεις κάνει αυτά τα βήματα, μην φοβηθείς τίποτα. Απλά κάνε τον Σταυρό σου, πίστεψε στο επόμενο παιδί…

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  25. δεν έχω κατι να σου πω... δεν υπάρχουν λόγια, να ξέρεις πως σε σκέφτομαι καθημερινά... δεν έχω κάποια ανάλογη εμπειρία, οπότε δεν μπορώ να σου πω ότι ξέρω πως αισθάνεσαι..θα ήταν ψέμα... αυτό που ξέρω είναι πως είσαι δυνατή, έχεις μια οικογένεια που σε λατρεύει...είσαι μια υπέροχη μητέρα και έχεις τόση αγάπη μέσα σου για όλο τον κόσμο...αυτό ο καλός Θεός το βλέπει, το ξέρει και το αναγνωρίζει...αρκεί να πιστεύουμε σε αυτόν και στην αγάπη του...
    να είσαι πάντα καλά και να μην το βάζεις κάτω...
    μου έλειψες!!!
    φιλιά πολλά

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  26. I think about you daily...You are LOVED very much. It breaks my heart reading your diary entries. I wish there was something I can do, but no one can. Take care of yourself and do what you have to do to carry on with life.

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