Thursday, October 13, 2011

Dear Diary, 

it has been 3 days since I was told my baby had died. Its late at night. I cannot sleep. The same tape keeps on playing in my head. The same words. The same images. I cant get rid of them. The house is dead quiet. Everyone is asleep, expect me and my thoughts. The world around me is muted. I don't feel anything but pain. I went out today for the first time. Everyone said I have to move on. I bought jewellery. It didn't help. I got my hair done. It helped momentarily. I cooked up a storm. That only made me feel like this baby is already forgotten. Nothing helps. NOTHING! I just want my baby. I told some people what happened. I could hear my self saying that I gave birth to a child that I will not bring home, and it sounded as if I was telling someone else's story. I braved it. I did it. But now it all begins. I look at my TV's flashing light and my eyes are fixed on it. My mind wonders off. Where is my baby now? Where did they take its body? Its life started and ended inside me. I saw it just a couple of weeks ago and it was mine. ALL mine. And now? Nothing helps. NOTHING helps. I drink a glass of wine for the first time in my life because I heard that makes you relax. But all I think about are the days coming up. The appointments I had to cancel. The ultrasounds I wont have. The mum at Maria's pre school who is due with her "unplanned" and "accidental" fourth baby 2 weeks before I was due, who I will see for the next 8 or so years as our girls will go to the same school next year. I wanted this baby. I planned this baby. Life is not fair. I am SO angry. I am angry. It doesn't matter that I have 2 children. It doesn't take the pain away. I don't look at them and think "Oh its OK! I have these 2". Not yet. I don't feel love for anyone. All I feel is pain. An endless ache. A complete emptiness.  I don't think my heart can take this. It feels as though God has forgotten me. WHY did this happen? I LOVED this baby. I tried SO hard to get this baby. I thought He was my Father. But what parent would want to hurt their child this way? I don't know what I am saying. I feel angry and so hurt. I touch my belly. There is nothing there. Everything changed in a matter of hours. NOTHING. What will I do? How will this go away? Who is to blame? Why? Why? Why so late? WHY did I fall pregnant in the first place? Everyone says "its for a good reason". WHAT GOOD REASON? What good can possibly come out of this? All the months, the days..the sickness, the stress. ALL for nothing. I knew. I knew all along. But still. Why? I erased all visual memories. The maternity clothes, rubbed out the weeks in my calendar. My life is now a before and after. Time stopped at 9:00 am on Monday morning. But all around me are memories of a life that will never be. A baby that will never arrive. People tell me they love me. I cant talk to them yet. I cant talk about this yet. I can only write it down. God give me strength. God give me strength. 

55 comments:

  1. Dear Nadia... as i sit here trying to think of something to say that may help, i just feel so inadequate.. your feelings are justified. your hurt is natural. your cries are right. your pain is real. and tomorrow will come. and the fact is your dear little baby was taken from you.. i do not know why, only God knows.. and He can take all your screams at Him, He will not turn away from you.. the only One He turned away from was His Son ... who He loved... on the cross... when He died.... so God knows pain.. and loss.. and losing the most precious thing in all the universe..His Son..which was for us... so God knows.. and only He knows why life is so unfair.. this side of Heaven.. and i can only keep praying for you as i have done since i read your last post.. and pray you can slowly keep going.. and keep loving... and find hope... be kind to yourself.. take time out.. advise will come to you and i pray you will be able to filter it and only let what helps you remain in your thoughts. i am praying for you.. as so many girls out here are... May your ache slowly be healed, may your emptiness slowly be filled, may God give you strength... with love, lizzy

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  2. Nadia, You have to do what you have to do at your own pace, I have no words to ease your pain, I just need you to know that you have made so many friends through your scrapping journey, people from all over the world and like me you are always in my thoughts, so I guess when I am asleep and you are sitting up, struggling to deal with everything I am sure you wont be alone someone somewhere will be thinkng of you and walking beside you, you dont need to talk just write it down, but know that you are never alone .........Take care of yourself Xx

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  4. (sorry deleted previous post for typos. )Nadia, you have every right to feel what you are feeling. No one should ever have to go through what you are going through...especially YOU. You send so much love, kindness and generosity out into this world and never expect anything in return. For you, being a mother is EVERYTHING. You don't deserve this and have a right to be angry and in pain. I am angry for you. All you can do though is hope that somewhere down the track it will all make sense. What that could be I don't know? Try and hang in there gorgeous girl, we are all thinking of you everyday and wishing we could do more xoxo

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  5. Nadia you definitely have right to feel what you are feeling. Having lost 3 pregnancies I know that no words can make you feel better, but over time you will. I feel for you.

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  6. Dear Nadia,
    Nothing I can say or do will erase your pain. But you should know that I'm thinking of you and your terrible loss.
    with all my love xx

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  7. oh Nadia I am so so sorry. I know that nothing I say will help but as with all the other people that are leaving you messages of love and support I am thinking of you at this unimaginably difficult time.
    x

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  8. nadia ... usually read OUAS and no your blog... but today I am here and I find this post ... I'm so sorry!
    I understand ... that happened to me with my first pregnancy ... I had no other children and I thought ... and now? I'll never have?
    Do not write anything everything is useless, superflous ... I know it goes ... must pass ... will see ... I continue to follow you often silently ... sorry if I wrote today... and for my bad english!

    ps. Now I have 2 kids!

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  9. Oh Nadia... I am so very very very sorry for your loss....

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  10. God WILL give you strength! You are ALLOWED to grieve, you are ALLOWED to feel every emotion under the sun, You are ALLOWED to feel like you could explode with pain and yet also feel numb.....I'm praying and thinking of you.....You are SO LOVED xox

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  11. awww Nadia...I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. Dear Nadia,we´re here for you my friend...

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  13. I am so very sorry for this time of anguish you are experiencing. Allow yourself to grieve. It is part of the healing process. I PROMISE you that God has not forgotten you. He is the ONLY one who truly understands what you are going through and he is also grieving for your pain. He LOVES you and as you continue to turn to Him, you WILL feel that LOVE. You are in my prayers.

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  14. Oh Nadia, the way you are feeling right now is so normal...we don't understand everything that comes across our paths, only God knows the entire picture. Having lost a child myself, I can say that only time will heal you. Everyday I pray for you, and your strength to get through this. It might help to look at the beautiful blessings that you do have, your lovely children, your wonderful husband, ect. during this time. That is what I did. It doesn't take the pain away, but it helps you get through the days.
    Hugs to you my sweet Nadia!

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  15. Sweet girl !
    Thinking of you ♥
    Love from Denmark

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  16. Nadia, não se torture...simplesmente viva seu luto, é seu direito, a tristeza é natural e todos tem que respeitá-la.
    Deus há de dar-lhe a força que você pede! Tenha fé e esperança! Que a paz venha à sua alma!
    Receba meu abraço fraterno e carinhoso.
    Marlei

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  17. The only thing I can say it that hopefully time heals. You will always remember and love but hopefully time eases your pain. Take your time to grieve and we're all here for you.

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  18. Nadia, I´m so sorry for you! Don´t try to understand why, just keep your Faith and some day soon God will give you the peace your soul needs!!

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  19. Ναντιάκι μου...ότι και να πείς έχεις δικιο....τόσο...δίκιο....δώσε λίγο χρόνο....θα σου στείλω ενα mail οταν μπορεσω...χαίρομαι που άκουσες τη συμβουλή μου και μιλάς για αυτό που νιώθεις....
    ...σε σκέφτομαι.....

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  20. Oh My Dear
    I am so sad to hear that you lost your baby! I will ask God to give you the necessary comfort
    xx
    Leila

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  21. You are full of questions that we don't have answers to, and that makes the pain unbearable at times. I know, I had the very same questions. I felt very alone despite the love of family and friends around me. I wanted to be left alone...And I wanted answers. Please know that this is part of the normal grieving process, although that doesn't make it any easier. You are NOT alone. You grief will be with you for a while, but I promise, it will ease in time. You may be burning mad at God right now (as I was)and he understands. Pray for peace, pray for strength and pray that you get through these dark days with His help. Scream if you have to. Talk to someone if you want to. Do not carry the burden of a broken heart by yourself. There are others who love you and want to help. Let them. Dont shut them out. If only for a little while. I give you this prayer for strength...

    Dear Lord, thank you for all you have done for me,
    It is with a humble heart that I ask you to
    Grant me the strength I need during this time.
    Grant me the wisdom to make the right decisions.
    Grant me the patience to do what must be done.
    O Lord,
    I know you will be with me through this time and will you shield me from things I cannot handle.
    It is with the most humble heart I ask thee.
    Amen.


    Hugs to You Nadia,
    May God stay at your side...

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  22. Dear Nadia
    I am thinking of you.
    Sending you a lot of love and hugs.

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  23. Sadness flies away on the wings of time.xxx

    Thinking of you....

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  24. Dearest..Nadia It's only natural and you definitely have the right to feel what you are feeling... Having lost 3 pregnancies..totally I could understand... I know that no words can make you feel better, but over time you will...But believe me GOD knows what is best for you and family... I feel for you...thinking of you... big hugs..xoxo

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  25. Dear Nadia!
    I read your thoughts & think that
    I know of loss but every Loss is a different kind of LOSS......
    I know that what ever I type Ain't going to take the PAIN away, fix anything or even Help in anyway...
    I'm just letting you know that your in my thoughts...
    But I Do believe that in time is will get easier, NEVER will go away... JUST becomes easier!!!!!!
    YOU have people around you that LOVE you DEARLY... & When your ready you will grab them & together you will though this TOGETHER!!!!
    HUGS xx

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  26. Nadia....my thoughts are with you....
    always remeber we are never in total control of our lives....it pans out the way our destiny is written...be strong ,be humbled, and remeber a lot of people out there, especially your family,who love you.

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  27. Dear Sweet Nadia,
    My heart hurts reading your words. I am so sorry for your loss and your feelings. I have no words, I haven't been there, I don't understand. I shudder to the core at the thought. I have no words to make the pain go away, or slighten. But just know that you are surrounded by love and love will get you through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers always.

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  28. You are in my prayers Nadia. There is so much love in the world sent your way.

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  29. XXX.
    Keep writing and just take little steps if that's all you can, and if not, do what you can to get through each day.
    XXX

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  30. Just being strong enough to write down your thoughts and put them out there takes alot of strength. You are a very strong girl and you are so very loved.
    Sending you big warm hugs. Wish there was something I could do or say to take the pain away.
    XXX

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  31. Oh Nadia, I am so sorry for your loss! I wish I could just put my arms around you and hug you and take all the pain away. I will pray for you and your family!

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  32. I wish you'd ring me! You know I'm here when you're ready xoxo

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  33. Dear Nadia, I cannot even fathom what you are going through right now as I have never lost a child, but I do know that you are surrounded by LOVE from God, your family, and friends. I don't really have any words to try to make you feel better because I'm pretty sure that right now nothing will, but in time you will...just keep having faith that God is your father, and he knows your pain and he can help you through it. He knows what it's like to lose a child, because he gave his only Son for us. Sometimes it's hard to see why He would let something like this happen, but only he knows the whole picture. My heart is breaking for you right now. I am keeping you in my prayers that God might lessen your pain. *hugs*
    Sarah

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  34. Dear Nadia, I just know how you felt and your feelings are justified. My prayers and thoughts are with you always and be strong. Hugs

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  35. OH My Nadia, There is nothing that I can say again that these dear girls have not said to you already!!! Please let me share this thou...

    I am a Catholic but do not go to church and to me I am not a huge believer, but please let me tell you I have done nothing but pray that you will be OK, you and your family!!!! You Nadia are one kind loving person and in return you have all my and these beautiful girls LOVE.. we are here for you!!!!! all the time.....
    You do what you have to do to recover your strength....Nothing is the right thing to do or not to do, you are to take day by day hour by hour and minute by minute!!!
    Please take care
    All my Love
    TONI
    XOXOXOXOOX

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  36. Nadia, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope time will heal the pain and sadness you are feeling right now. Hugs.

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  37. I wish I knew what to say :( I have no words.. you are in my thoughts sweet Nadia, and while you live and while you tell the story your precious baby will never be forgotten much love xoxox

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  38. Nadia I am so deeply saddened to read that u have lost ur precious baby. I hope with each day ur pain slowly subsides tiny piece by tiny piece. Losing a child is such a traumatic & unfair experience. Any Woman that has lost a baby knows that u carry that baby with u for the rest of ur life. Time just makes it that little bit easier to deal with. I can only wish that time flies for u until u reach a place of peace & contentment. Thinking of u XX

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  39. Nadia, I was heartbroken to read of your loss. Losing a child is the worst thing imaginable. Take all the time you need to grieve this terrible loss. My prayers are going up for you! I know that God is crying with you.

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  40. Heartbreaking news I wish you and your family strength at such a sad time Tx

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  41. God is with you. I know that is so hard to believe. Know that there are many praying for you to feel your grief and to find a way not to move on, but to move with, and come to a place in your life where this journey's purpose will be revealed.

    Many, many prayers, hugs and blessings coming your way.

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  42. Write it all down sweet girl. All those thoughts. Process it through the words. It's what I did with both of my miscarriages.
    I know all the things that people tell you. I've heard them all. The things that make you scream inside and want to curl up in a ball. They're trying to help and have no idea how much worse they are making it for you. Cry on the shoulders of those who have been there as well; god knows there are a few of us.
    It is my experience that there is absolutely nothing that anyone can say right now.
    You cannot move on. Not right now. You have to process what happened. You have to feel angry. It is part of the grieving process. Do not tell yourself that you have to move on. Your baby has died. You need to grieve.
    A colleague of mine had a stillbirth at 19weeks and she went to grief counselling. Does your hospital offer a grief counselling service? It helped her immensely. In fact, I would say it was critical in her recovery.
    Big hugs.

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  43. oh Nadia, my sweet friend. I have no words to make you feel better. I am so so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you. HUGS xx

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  44. I am no good at giving advice here as I don't have experience of something similar. I've had a lot of bad things happen in my life but this hasn't been one of them. I wish I had some wise words for you but just remember you are always welcome to e mail me if you need to talk xx thinking of you sooooo much xx

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  45. I'm thinking of you! Take all the time you need!
    Yvonne

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  46. Dearest dearest Nadia, I have been so pre-occupied with worldly things for the passed weeks, haven't had time to visit any blogs at all, less to play along anywhere. Not even UOAS. Your personal blog is the first one I sat down to read this late night in Sweden, believing I would be part of your continued joy. I am so utterly shocked and so utterly sad learning what has happened. Nothing anyone says or does will help, yet. I know this for sure, for I have lost 5 children. When your mind is still enough, you will hear and feel God again. Cry, shout, curse, grieve my child, grieve, for that is the way to healing. I am not saying forgetting, only healing so that you can go on living. Life is the most precious gift of all, as is love and you will always be the mother of 3, not 2. I will light a candle this night for you all. From my heart to your heart xoxox Eila

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  47. Νάντια μόλις τώρα το έμαθα...
    Λυπάμαι πάρα πολύ... δεν μπορώ να βρεθώ στη θέση σου αλλά καταλαβαίνω όσα γράφεις.
    Μακάρι να βρεις τη δύναμη και την πίστη να συνεχίσεις.

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  48. :(((((((((((((((( I have not the courage to say anything...I'm totally sad...
    :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
    Take care...I wish the things were different...
    I'm crying....We're all thinking about you. I hope this is the last bad thing happened to your life...
    :((((((((((((((((((

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  49. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care, I'm thinking of you.

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  50. Nadia, δεν ξερεις ποσο λυπηθηκα που διαβασα το μηνυμα σου... Σε νιωθω γιατι το εχω περασει... Δε θα σου πω τι να κανεις, θα σου πω μονο τι εκανα εγώ: πήρα όσο χρόνο χρειαστηκε για να θρηνησω το μωρό που εφυγε... Μου πηρε ενα χρόνο.. Δε σκεφτηκα τον αντρα μου ή την κορη μου που εκλαιγε μαζι μου, δεν προχωρησα για αυτούς, τους παραμελησα... Καλά εκανα ή ασχημα δεν το ξερω... Ότι εκανα ήταν μονο για μένα... Ημουν σα ζομπι για πολύ καιρό... Με εκνευριζαν όσοι μου ελεγαν ότι δεν ειναι τιποτε και πρεπει να προχωρήσω, κανεις δεν ειχε δικαιωμα να διαγραφει ετσι το μωρό μου... Ξεκινησα χομπυ, το scrapbooking και ήταν η μονη ώρα που ξεχνιοταν το μυαλό μου... Επεσα με τα μουτρα στην προσπαθεια να ξαναμεινω εγκυος κι εφαγα τα μουτρα μου... Ετρεχα σε γιατρους κι εξετασεις, μια τρυπα στο νερό κι εκει... Ωσπου ενα χρόνο μετά, τις ιδιες μερες που σταματησε η καρδια της μπεμπας μου, το αγγελουδι μου μου εστειλε νεο σπορακι, τον αδερφό της... Όσο ευτυχισμένη και να ειμαι όταν με κλωτσαει ο πριγκηπας μου, παντα νιωθω ενα πονο όταν αναλογιζομαι τη μπεμπα μου. Στον τοιχο με τις οικογενειακές φωτο εχω μια φωτο απο ενα μωρό αγγελουδι και τις ημερομηνίες που εζησε στην κοιλια μου το αγγελουδι μου. και θα την αγαπω για παντα και όταν γεννήσω τον πρίγκηπα μου, θα θεωρώ οτι εχω τρια παιδιά και όχι δυο...
    Σου στελνω μια μεγάλη αγκαλιά...

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  51. Oh Nadia, there are no words, my heart is breaking for you. I wish there was some way I could take away even a small bit of your pain...You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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