Carrying Precious Cargo...

...indeed! I am finally able to share with you the reason my life has been turned upside down the last 3 months...the reason I have been so sick and tired and emotional all day EVERY DAY..

The thing that I have wanted the most above all else has become reality. I am expecting a precious precious child!

It was a Tuesday when I found out about 2 months ago, and I was meeting my friend Tanya Tahir in Sydney for the first time. I wasn't happy...I wasn't excited.. I was just speechless. Tanya is the first person I told and I remember telling her and thinking in my head that it was a mistake because when I lose this baby too, I will have to tell her all about how I lost it and it would have been better if she didnt know. You see, my last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage..that I never recovered from. I think of that lost baby every day, and no matter how many times the doctors tell me it wasn't meant to be, I still wish I had it. I wonder how my life would have been different...

Ironically, this child was conceived 1 year later pretty much to the date of when the baby I lost was conceived. Very ironic hey? My first 2 children were conceived miraculously..pretty much on the first attempt. This child? Almost 2 years. We tried everything possible..everything you can imagine and what you cannot. And you know what it took in the end? It took us taking a break from it all...and saying "it will happen when it does" and before you know it, after just one very quick attempt that month , I was pregnant. 

In all honesty...I almost gave up. I could not be bothered anymore. The heartache was just too much each month. It was like another miscarriage all over again every month. After I lost my last baby, everyone said that it will happen very quickly. Well..it didn't. It took 1 year more. I know that no one really felt sorry for me because I have 2 healthy children already. And I do not blame them. Yes, it is easier when you are trying for a child and you already have a couple. Its easier because your kids distract you and pull you out of the misery that is about to consume you. But what about at night? When the house is quiet and you are incredibly alone? When you touch your belly and feel the emptiness inside? Who saves you then? 

Well for me, I found some solace in scrapbooking. It actually became my baby. Everything i did, every page, every Design Team , every competition I entered,..i did so that I can stop my self from becoming depressed. I  found a new focus. Everyone was always asking me "how on earth do you keep up?". Well..I was on auto pilot. I just didnt feel anything.  When the time came that the baby was due (March of this year) I almost died. Not only did I not have my baby, but I was not pregnant either.. I wrote many many posts here, expressing how I was in a bad place but never really saying what the problem was. You all responded and told me to hang in there. You are the ones that were saving me in the middle of the night when my mind would wonder off .. So THANK YOU! One comment I always get from people here is my journalling..how it was so heartfelt and real. Yes thats true. And that is because scrapbooking for me became an emotional outlet during the toughest time in my life. 

I am so scared to even say it publicly that I am expecting. For my first 2 I told everyone right away, because after all NOTHING would ever happen to me right? How naive and stupid. But today, I saw a 13 week baby bouncing in my tummy. I have a good feeling. It will be OK i think. 

SO now you all know why I have not been around. From that day that i found out I was expecting the thought of scrapping supplies makes me ill. And boy have I been ill. I have been sick every single day and night. I have bad nausea, lack of energy and really just sick sick sick. But I am not complaining. I do not care about me. I just want to hold this baby in March. 

All I ever wanted was to be a mum. I was and still am unbelievably lucky to be who I am and for my kids to be who they are and to live where we do in the year 2011. I am so very sorry if I offended anyone with what i said in my post yesterday about mothers abandoning their children in institutions. I am so sorry. My emotions were very raw from watching that documentary.  I was so so saddened to see these kids just wishing their mums would come and get them, and to be treated like animals and being in the emotional state I am at the moment I didn't think to explain that I absolutely understand what it must take for a mother to have to leave her child behind. Thank you Julie T-W and Lizzy for sharing your story ...WOW! I am in such admiration of you. Thank you for pointing out that not every pregnancy is ideal. I guess I was just talking on a personal note..wanting to be a mum and desperately wanting this child that was not coming, has left me rather sensitive but you are both absolutely right that there are 2 sides to every story and no one even knows what leads to those circumstances. 

Anyway...so happy you all finally know and really, if anything happens from here on at least you all know. 

Now that i saw the baby and passed the 12 week mark, I could possibly relax a little and maybe start scrapping and be back here more often. 

Until next time, I wish you all well. 

Thank you for everything always!