Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hi everyone. 

It feels so strange to blog about a layout. Or to blog at all. It feels too soon after what happened. Maybe it is? I don't know. I read somewhere that there is no time limit for healing or grieving. I feel too normal to be OK. I know I am not. I am trying to really push forward with life..I joined the gym yesterday and started a diet. I was the 10,000 member. It was my lucky day, they said, and I got a nice gift. My lucky day...! It angers me. It just angers me. The strongest emotion I feel at the moment is anger. I am so angry at everything and everyone. I don't know where it is coming from. I  feel so angry about the smallest things that it actually makes me cry. At this point I still have not seen any family members or friends. the words of a friend that just emailed me, I do just want to disappear.  I don't want to deal with it.. I just want to be completely alone. I do not want to say the words that are not there, or have to explain the pain. I don't want this to be what defines me. This is what happened to me..its NOT who I am. I have a million people around me, wanting to help. But I just want to be alone..and its so weird because I should want to be with people. But I DON'T want to talk about it.  I am seeing a specialist every week from tomorrow that deals with these things. So I will talk about it. I have heard so many terrible stories like mine since this happened. Everyone has a story it seems. That is unreal. Why did I not know this about people before? Why don't women talk about it? I have heard so many heartbreaking my friend (our friend!) Cynthia Llorens who left me a comment yesterday in my last post. People do survive. Although this is the worst thing imaginable that could happen to me, it is NOT the worst thing that could have happened. It could have been much worse. 

Anyway, let's move on. Life continues..right? Let's talk about something else. 

I moved my scrap area back our formal lounge just metres from our bedroom. I like it there. I have much less stuff than before due to my recent giveaways to special people. I scrapped last night. It felt foreign. Like I had never done it before. Back in June I won a challenge at The Scrapcake blog. I won 2 of their latest collection (In June!) but as you might recall I stopped scrapping soon after. Well the prize never arrived and because I wasn't scrapping I didn't bother chasing it up. mid September I finally received my prize. I thought that was an omen to start scrapping again and just when I pulled everything out and got ready all that happened. But the photos and everything were spread all over my desk so last night I scrapped. I like the solitude, disconnect and isolation from the world I feel when i scrap. I can't say it made me feel better..but it took my mind off things for a while. 

I was over at lovely Colleen's blog yesterday and she entered a challenge at Let's Get Shabby and it just gave me all the inspiration I needed to get started. 

So I drew inspiration from the colours in this picture which was part of Challenge #28 at Let's get Shabby

We also were asked to use paints and flowers as part of the challenge. 

Here is my use of paint. I splattered white paint over the paper. 

I also painted white some die cut papers. 

This is my little one, Ioanna. Do you understand the meaning of "making my heart smile" ? This child has done this for me since the very first moment I held her. There is something insanely sweet about her. Something that takes all my worries away. She makes my heart feel light..does that make sense? 

So anyway. That's all from me. Let's just carry on as normal hey? Maybe that will help. I just dont want to write about the same thing over and over, even though that is what I am always thinking about. Again, I just thank you all for everything. Thank you is just not enough. But its all I know how to say right now. Again, I am not ignorant to all your support. I have read each comment, email or sms. I have taken it all in. I have drawn strength from your support. Anyway. I hope you have a nice day. Take good care. Nadia. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Dear Diary, 

Only a week has passed, but I somehow do not remember my life before. I don't remember anything important. The days have become a blur. The world seems too big for me. Life continues. I cannot face anyone I know. I cannot talk about it with anyone I know.... All my friends and family are hurting with me, but I cannot help them. They all wanted this baby as much as me. I feel their pain and their LOVE for me but...just seeing them reminds me of the last time I saw or spoke to them and I was still pregnant. So I am here...writing it all down on this blog in a diary form because I cannot even speak to my on-line friends.  I am so sorry. I read their countless emails and their never ending comments or signs of support and I am sad for them and hope I am not upsetting them by not talking about it. 

Each day is a little harder as it becomes reality. Each day more and more details become clear in my head..more images and more words I heard that day. In an one sentence everything was lost. The words NO parent should ever hear "I am so sorry I cannot find a heartbeat"...I am still SO so angry. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and pretend it never happened. There isn't much more I can say. I don't know what to say. 

I have frantically cleaned the house this past week. This is because its the only thing I can control right now. I can't bring my baby back but at least the house is spotless from corner to corner. I cleaned my scrap area because scrapping isn't something that reminds me of all this. I stopped scrapping for the entire 4 and a half months and so ...I will start scrapping again. Just like before, something else  has to occupy my mind in the still of the night. I will start again. I just want to be alone. 

This is harsh, but I am almost angry at the kids too. I don't know why. There is NO one to blame. There are NO answers and we are in the dark. I had an ultrasound today to see if I was OK. Heartbreaking to see an empty womb. There was life in it just weeks ago. Life is NOT fair. But it could have been worse. I heard today at the ultrasound clinic that there was a lady that lost her baby at 38 weeks over the weekend. Maybe God was saving me from something worse like that? I want to believe that. I want to believe that He is still looking after me even if it doesn't seem so right now. 

I have made some decisions. I am not going back to teaching this term. I cannot walk the grounds I walked when I was quite pregnant just weeks ago. I can't go back and pretend nothing happened. I can't deal with the questions. This child HAS to have a mark on my life. I have to change something about my life and not just dismiss its existence by going back to normal life straight away. My baby's life cannot be in vain.  I am not going to work next year either, not until way past the due date anyway. I am focusing my energy on me and on healing and ...on the next baby. I am so scared at just the thought of that...but I cannot give up. I have to exhaust all possibilities or I risk getting to 60 years old and regretting NOT trying enough. Until the day someone says "you cannot have anymore children" I will keep on trying. There is just too much love inside me that I have to give still. I just want to hold one more baby. I am a good mum ...I know this. I somehow need to delete the image of the last birth I had to give and replace it with a labour where I get to hold my baby. 

I am entirely withdrawn and cannot speak of this anymore. I will continue my thoughts in my personal diary and be back here with some creations. I just don't know what else to say. I just hope this passes...but I am overwhelmingly confident it won't. Thank you is no where near enough for how I feel about the support and LOVE. I feel everyone's love ...everyone's prayers. I just do not know what to say to everyone. I am so sorry. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Dear Diary, 

it has been 3 days since I was told my baby had died. Its late at night. I cannot sleep. The same tape keeps on playing in my head. The same words. The same images. I cant get rid of them. The house is dead quiet. Everyone is asleep, expect me and my thoughts. The world around me is muted. I don't feel anything but pain. I went out today for the first time. Everyone said I have to move on. I bought jewellery. It didn't help. I got my hair done. It helped momentarily. I cooked up a storm. That only made me feel like this baby is already forgotten. Nothing helps. NOTHING! I just want my baby. I told some people what happened. I could hear my self saying that I gave birth to a child that I will not bring home, and it sounded as if I was telling someone else's story. I braved it. I did it. But now it all begins. I look at my TV's flashing light and my eyes are fixed on it. My mind wonders off. Where is my baby now? Where did they take its body? Its life started and ended inside me. I saw it just a couple of weeks ago and it was mine. ALL mine. And now? Nothing helps. NOTHING helps. I drink a glass of wine for the first time in my life because I heard that makes you relax. But all I think about are the days coming up. The appointments I had to cancel. The ultrasounds I wont have. The mum at Maria's pre school who is due with her "unplanned" and "accidental" fourth baby 2 weeks before I was due, who I will see for the next 8 or so years as our girls will go to the same school next year. I wanted this baby. I planned this baby. Life is not fair. I am SO angry. I am angry. It doesn't matter that I have 2 children. It doesn't take the pain away. I don't look at them and think "Oh its OK! I have these 2". Not yet. I don't feel love for anyone. All I feel is pain. An endless ache. A complete emptiness.  I don't think my heart can take this. It feels as though God has forgotten me. WHY did this happen? I LOVED this baby. I tried SO hard to get this baby. I thought He was my Father. But what parent would want to hurt their child this way? I don't know what I am saying. I feel angry and so hurt. I touch my belly. There is nothing there. Everything changed in a matter of hours. NOTHING. What will I do? How will this go away? Who is to blame? Why? Why? Why so late? WHY did I fall pregnant in the first place? Everyone says "its for a good reason". WHAT GOOD REASON? What good can possibly come out of this? All the months, the days..the sickness, the stress. ALL for nothing. I knew. I knew all along. But still. Why? I erased all visual memories. The maternity clothes, rubbed out the weeks in my calendar. My life is now a before and after. Time stopped at 9:00 am on Monday morning. But all around me are memories of a life that will never be. A baby that will never arrive. People tell me they love me. I cant talk to them yet. I cant talk about this yet. I can only write it down. God give me strength. God give me strength. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

The saddest day of my life.

Well ....there was a reason I was scared about this pregnancy. A woman knows that she will not get to hold her baby and I knew all along. It is with tears in my eyes and the saddest and most unbearable grief that I share with you that at my 20 week scan today my baby was not alive. I knew it.. I just didn't know I will get half way though before it was confirmed. I am saddened and heartbroken and will never recover from this. My baby is gone...and I had loved it already and how do I say goodbye now?